Mysteries of the German language

First, a disclaimer: I have been learning German for five months, and I really have no idea what I'm talking about.


I thought you'd perhaps like to learn some German on my semi-educational blog. And also, perhaps you're interested in finding out why German is considered "difficult", or about the nature of the sort-of-weird grammar:

First of all, German has three genders: masculine, feminine, and neuter. The coresponding definitive articles are der, die, and das. For example: Der Hund, die Frau, and das Haus. (In case you don't notice, ALL nouns are capitalized in German.) But the definitive articles don't always stay that way, because German also has cases (like Latin): nominative, genitive, dative, and accusitive. This makes it difficult (for me personally) to remember which nouns are which gender, as opposed to in French, in which I was always semi-able to associate articles with words, and thus remember them pretty well. But in German, I might first encounter a word in the dative case, and then later be unable to remember if it coresponds with der or das, which are both the same word in the dative case.

So, first of all, nominitive. The subject of the sentence is always in nominitive. For example: Der Mann rennt. (The mann is running.)

The object of the sentence is usually in accustive. Some verbs take dative, but those are rare. In the accusitive case, der changes to den, and die and das stay the same. Der Mann kauft den Apfel. (The man buys the apple.) The apple is also masculine, so its article changes to den.

Genetive is possesive. I'm not going into it right now, because I actually never learned the genetive. I always get away with saying "the house of" somebody or sticking an s onto someone's name.

Once you get into prepositions, it gets trickier. Some of them take accusitive and some dative, many of them take both, depending on the context. Ich gehe in die Schule. (I'm going to school.) The preposition in takes, in this case, accusitive -- thus, the die stays the same. But if you say "Bleib in der Schule!" -- stay in school! -- the die changes to der, because it takes the dative case in this example. In dative, der and das change to dem, and die changes to der. (Ich fahre mit dem Bus -- I'm going by bus.)


But wait! The fun's not over yet! Now, time for some crazy verbs! There are times when your lovely verb (mitgehen, to go with, in this case) spits in half, and the first half drops to the end of the sentence. When I first starting learning German back on Exchange Street in Portland, ME, this freaked me out. An example: Ich gehe mit. I'm going with (I'm coming too, a little more smoothly put.)

And then, totally simply, the infitive always drops to the end of the sentence. For example: Der Hund muss draußen bleiben. The dog has to stay outside. In english, it literally translates to "the dog has to outside stay," because stay, bleiben, the infitive, always ends the sentence. This was hard for me at first, because I can't make up my sentence as I go along, the way I'm used to -- and if you stick a prepositional phrase in there, it too must come before the verb! I have to go into the city in a couple of minutes! Ich muss in ein paar Minuten in die Stadt gehen! Gehen is at the VERY end.

Another thing that I find difficult are words like that, because, and if, because they do something kind of weird. Examples: Der Hund muss draußen bleiben, weil er zu laut ist. The dog has to stay outside, because he's too loud. After weil, because, the verb (auxilary! not the infitive!) drops to the end!! So the normal sentence would be: Er ist zu laut. He's too loud. And with because: Weil er zu laut ist. The ist drops to the end.

Holidays

I had a really wonderful Christmas. I thought it would be very emotional, but it turns out most of the difficulties were actually leading up to the holiday, the apprehension. I got a couple modest gifts from my host family and a big box from my parents (and there's one from Mana and Pop here too -- only I have to go pick it up from the Zollamt, so I won't actually get it until I get back from Spain on the 11th of January.)

I had a nice chat with my host parents yesterday about Christmas, school, etc. I feel really happy that they have reasonable expectations around my school (i.e. they do NOT expect any passing grades!!) Also, I think Hans-Peter is really starting to get that I do understand him, and I don't care how good his English is; I'm here to learn German. Yesterday we had not one but several conversations, and I'm glad that we are starting to communicate a little, because out of everyone in my family I feel the most out-of-place with him.

I'm feeling excited to go to Spain and a little less scared of two weeks without a computer. I always tell myself that I don't need it, and then when something like this comes up, I'm left feeling a little terrified! It's so ridiculous.

Fröhliche Weihnachten

Merry Christmas, everybody!!

In Germany, most (all?) of the festivities happen on the 24th, as I was informed ten minutes ago. ("So, are we going to open the presents tomorrow... or what?") Ours include: schmucking the Weihnachtsbaum (which I helped with this afternoon; turns out there are a lot of ways to screw up hanging ornaments on a Christmas tree), going to church, singing Lieder, listening to Bach's Weihnachts Oratorium on a CD, opening gifts, and eating Raclette (kind of like cheese fondue, I think. We'll see.)

I'm in the slow process of uploading a month's worth of photos to Flickr. Unfortunately, my computer is too slow to handle the extreme Flash uploader, so it's going slowly. But keep checking back -- I'm putting up photos of sort of baking cookies, Stuttgart, the Schwarzwald, and Nicola's Christmas Story among other things!

That last post sounded so angry

I'm not so angry. I'm feeling, actually, kind of blissfully brain-dead. And I am also going to Spain. So it's not so hard, at the moment.

This is starting to feel like a science experiment

You know: what happens when you stick a socially awkward 16-year-old in a foreign country, stop feeding her vegetables, make her speak virtually no English, and cut her off from people that she knows and real conversations?

Well, right now, I am sick. Yesterday I had a fever, which has gone down, but I've still got a headache and snuffy nose. I've been sleeping a LOT. I'm feeling a little sad around Christmas, which I suppose is normal.

I'm worried that I've developed a horrible attitude, or that something else is going on with me. I feel like I'm the only one who isn't having the time of her life in Germany, and really disappointed in myself in general, like I should be doing something that I'm not. I feel like I am so far from making real connections with the people here, includuding my host family, the people in my class, and the other exchange students. I miss honest conversations. I am constantly either censoring myself or simply being unable to convey what I'd like to in German. Or simply not speaking -- there are days when I say nothing, all day, but "hello," "good-bye," "how are you?" and "good" (in response to both "how are you?" and "how was your day?")

I am so frustrated! I never, ever imagined feeling so dysfunctional, and it has been more than THREE MONTHS, and I hate feeling like I am completely, totally alone in being out of place and lonely and unable to appreciate my exchange year.

I don't want to go home and tell people I hated my year here. I really, really want to have a good exchange year.

I had a really awful day yesterday, complete with me not talking to anyone all day, losing a glove on the bus, finding out that I have to COMPOSE something along with my music class, a panic attack, and crying in my room for three hours.

Luckily today was way better. School was fine -- the first class of the day was German, and a aweet, gluten-intolerant girl named Cordula gave a presentation about Bertolt Brecht. I shall pause for a moment and explain that everyone in the class has to so a presentation, called a GFS, once a year for a grade, then several smaller presentations called "Referats" as well. It can be in any subject, but I believe that it must be realted to what we're studying in that class. For example, we just read Mutter Courage und Ihre Kinder, so Bertolt Brecht makes sense. It's like a lecture, 30 minutes long or less. It took me over a month to figure out why every so often somebody from the class would get up to speak about something, and we'd all listen and take notes, but now I think it looks like tons of fun and I can't wait to do one. I have lists of things in my head... outsider art, Simone de Beauvoir, etc. I think what I will actually end up doing is a GFS about the American political system, in January, for my English class.

In her GFS, Cordula mentioned that Bertolt Brecht met Hegel at some point... I'm not sure exactly since I understood little in this presentation. Afterwards, the German teacher asked, "Who knows who Hegel is?" I was dozing off (as usual, I'm sorry to say), but everyone was looking clueless so I raised my hand. "Hegel," I said. "He's a guy. Of philsophy. He was a philospher, actually, from Stuttgart." The class errupted into applause at my pathetic explanation. I felt really good about myself, then awful because I know so much more about Hegel than that, and had I had time to prepare I could've given such an impressive explanation! But then I went back to feeling good.

In French, my teacher Frau Egge (who is a TERRIFYING PERSON) decided to ask me why I am in Germany and be all nice to me suddenly. Unfortunately she asked me in French, and my French has become unbelievably awful. I throw in some German roughly every two words! My fear of Frau Egge lives on.

In the lunch break, I decided I wanted to buy a crepe from the Christmas market. So I walked outside, where I ran into Aline, who was waiting for her boyfriend Theo and wanted me to wait with her. We waited for a while, but he didn't show up, so she came along to the Weihnachtsmarkt too. I attempted to start several conversations, but failed miserably. Let's just say I am still completely unable to explain the (simple) plot of "Garden State" in German. At the market, we ran into Lukas and Lukas -- Lukas Leonhard was stessed about what to get Roya for Christmas. (We all have to buy something for someone in our class, whose name we drew from a hat.) Aline suggested some jewelry, but Lukas insisted, "I have no idea what to get for jewelry!" so we all went into the Schössle-Gallerie and tried on sunglasses. Then I accidentally pushed Lukas Leonhard into the sharp corner of a banister and was promptly hi-fived by Aline and the other Lukas, which made me feel really happy and German. We were so, so late to our history class, so we took a route through Theodor Heuss Gymnasium and ran up four flights of stairs! It was so fun.

Then I had my Deutschkurs, which is so pathetic it crosses the line and becomes hilarious. I laugh through every class -- the others must think I am insane.

Now I'm back to feeling exhausted. Unfortunately I have a few gifts to wrap before tomorrow... but fortunately, it's almost Christmas break! I'm so ready to have a nice break from school now.

Fun with Mitch Benn

I love this Smiths parody. I think I've been in my Smiths phase for four years now.

Two funny details that I forgot to add

1. Seeing some American tourists in the Stuttgart Weihnachtsmarkt caused me to start laughing uncontrollably. They were three young guys wearing sweatshirts and baseball caps. Just hearing their nasally accents struck me as so funny. "I think this might be a better place to take a pitcher, cuz the sun's behind us..."

2. When we were in the Bahnhof, Alex started telling me (in English) that when he was little, he used to love to go look at the high-speed trains with his grandfather. He said, "We had some... some... minature trains. So it was really cool for me to see the big trains, because I had the... mino ones. my-no. No, mee-no. No! Mini!" Sonja and I started laughing, and he said sadly (in German), "You never say my-no?"

Weirdness continues

Today I went to Stuttgart with my host family, which was interesting. It was the first time I'd been in the city center, so it was nice to see a little bit of the city and get a sense of the feel of it. First of all we went to a "brunch", which was a little awkward. At first I felt really happy and excited because it was in a pretty hotel and there was a huge salad bar (I never really appreciated them at home, but here they are my favorite!) but then I got snapped at by my host mother for eating with my hands (who eats a spring roll with a fork and knife? Who?) and I felt awful again and had to try really really hard not to cry.

Then afterwards we had a small discussion about our day. They were under the impression that I really wanted to go to the Weihnachtsmarkt in Stuttgart, but in truth I just wanted to go into the city center. Alex was suppposed to take me but he was complaining about it so much. He really didn't want to. Finally he gave in, so he and Sonja and I were dropped off nearby and walked to the market.

I took a lot of pictures, which eventually you will see. It was so crowded, but it was still lovely, very different from the markets in Pforzheim and Karlsruhe. I have decided that I very much prefer Karlsruhe to Stuttgart -- it has a much more cozy, old-fashioned style, with its narrow streets and the crowded Straßenbahn and the university. After a short walk and some Glühwein, we took the bus to my host grandmother's house and sung some Christmas Carols. Actually I kind of hummed. I had a song book with lyrics, but the others were sort of off-key, so it was impossible to join in. I did take a video, though, which I'll post once I have this irritating issue with my USB drive/camera cord/whatever thing figured out!!

Right now I feel really, really tired and my usual headache is coming back... I've had some kind of physical ailment literally since I got here, from digestion issues to shoulder and neck pain to headaches and sore feet. I'm wondering WHEN I will start feeling like a normal human being again instead of a robot. I am also feeling a little scared because I'm afraid I'm stuck like this -- I don't want to sleep through my entire exchange, because it's the only one I have. The other thing is that I'm beginning (probably belatedly) to really notice the effect of German immersion on my English, particulary my reading ability, and it's freaking me out. Right now I really feel like I "speak no language," and even though I know this is a normal part of the process and it will get better, right now I feel really lost without the language-related pleasure that I normally experience: reading, writing, words.

So. In conclusion, I'm sorry about this complaining. I know I'm lucky to have this experience, and I hope that it will be a good one in the end. But I also think it's better to let you know what I'm really feeling instead of posting something artificial, or not posting at all.

My week

I had a weird week. Actually, I've had a weird couple weeks -- ever since Thanksgiving I've been feeling a little down.

I thought everything was getting better, but now I'm back in my awful slump. I know after three months everything is supposed to suddenly click into place, but it's not happening. I'm tired of the people in my host family yelling at each other, and I'm tired of listening to them talk about money. I'm tired of people knowing I'm foreign as soon as I utter one word (or sometimes even before!) I want a sweet potato sandwich and some guacomole, and yesterday my host mother told me I am not allowed to eat with my hands. (Today on the bus I was reminising about all the things I like to eat at home... tea with soymilk and vegetable soup and grilled sandwiches, which they don't seem to have here...)

I feel really awful today.

Christmas

(Image courtesy of someone else, due to the fact that there's probably something wrong with the cord that connects my camera to the computer.)

Despite the huge amount of Christmas here (demonstrated by the picture above of the Schlössle-Galerie all decked out for Christmas, and of course the Weihnachtsmärke), I feel like I'm kind of skipping over it this year. I have yet to bake any cookies, I have not learned any Christmas songs on the piano or recorder, and I haven't listened to any Christmas music, since I don't have Sufjan Stevens CDs here, and nothing tops his rendition of "Lo How a Rose E'er Blooming"!

I sang a little with Martha at the AFS Christmas party. It made Regina really happy because she loves hearing me sing, which I think is sweet. She told me a few weeks ago that I should sing more because Katharina sings all the time, which made me feel kind of bad. The Christmas party wasn't so much fun -- I felt kind of lonely and I was really exhausted for some reason. Sometimes I feel a little lonely when I am with all the exchange students together, because they are already very close and I feel a little left out. However, I did manage to get a video of a short segment of Nicola's Special Christmas Story, which is coming soon to this blog... I hope. My USB/Camera issues make me SO FRUSTRATED; luckily, there's still the trusty DM camera machine, where I can easily buy printed photos whenever I feel like it.

Yesterday I felt really sad, but the day ended on a good note: the Mexican exchange student in my Deutschkurs asked me to edit something he'd written for his English class, and it turned out to be about eighteen severed heads that were found in Tijuana! Plus, it contained the most adorable and hilarious grammar I've ever seen. I wanted to take a photo of it with my blue pen marks all over the paper, but I was worried he might be offended, so I didn't (probably wisely.)

Regina is in Freiberg (and they have snow... awwwww) and Hans-Peter worked late tonight, and Sonja is sick, so I had a nice evening with Alex. I made Maultaschen and Alex and I talked a lot about exchange. He would like to go to America in two years for a university exchange. It was great getting to talk to him today because I don't ususally get the chance to! He's really busy, but I enjoy talking to him because he understands a lot about how I feel as an exchange student, and I also feel more comfortable mentioning my problems with specifically life in my family with him sometimes, rather than with my host parents.

WikiHow

I'll need this one.

Speaking of trying to blend in, I bought a purse today at H&M. It was €16 and it's pretty neutral -- gray, not hideous. Goodbye, huge bulky backpack! I'm choosing the popular purse, slung over the shoulder, and big binder carried in the hand. We'll see if I get fewer stares on the bus tomorrow.

How's It Gonna End?

I have an iPod shuffle that hasn't yet run out of batteries, with 50-100 songs from home on it. One of them happens to be "How's It Gonna End" by Tom Waits, and I feel blessed that this is so, because that song is completely ingenious. Even though it's obnoxious, since all of you probably want to hear about Germany and not some song that's you've heard a million times, I'm going to post the lyrics:

He had 3 whole dollars
A worn out car
And a wife who was
Leaving for good
Life's made of trouble
Worry, pain and struggle
She wrote good bye in
The dust on the hood
They found a a map of Missouri
Lipstick on the glass
They must have left
In the middle of the night

And I want to know
The same thing
Everyone wants to know:
How's it going to end?

Behind a smoke colored curtain
The girl disappeared
They found out
The ring was a fake
A tree born crooked
Will never grow straight
She sunk like a hammer
Into the lake
A long lost letter and
And old leaky boat
Promises are never meant
To keep

And I want to know
The same thing
Everyone wants to know:
How's it going to end?

The barn leaned over
The vultures dried their wings
The moon climbed up an empty sky
The sun sank down behind the tree
On the hill
There's a killer and he's coming
Through the rye
But maybe he's the father
Of that lost little girl
It's hard to tell in this light

And I want to know
The same thing
Everyone wants to know:
How's it going to end?

Drag your wagon and your plow
Over the bones of the dead
Out among the roses and the weeds
You can never go back
And the answer is no
And wishing for it only
Makes it bleed

Joel Tornabene was broken
On the wheel
Shane and Bum Mahoney on the lamb
The grain was as gold
As Sheila's hair
All the way from Liverpool
With all we could steal
He was robbed of twenty dollars
His body found stripped
Cast into the harbour
There and drowned

And I want to know
The same thing
Everyone wants to know:
How it going to end?

The sirens are snaking
Their way up the hill
It's last call somewhere in
The world
The reptiles blend in with the
Color of the street
Life is sweet at the edge
Of a razor
And down in the front row of
An old picture show
The old man is asleep
As the credits start to roll

And I want to know
The same thing
Everyone wants to know:
How's it going to end?

"Behind a smoke-colored curtain, the girl disappeared, they found out the ring was a fake" = ingenious. I love how carefully-arranged this song is; I know I say this a lot, but everything is perfectly spaced here. I think it's also a perfect example of images making a song. This song is only brief images, but they're so perfectly crafted, we feel like we're getting a whole story. And like a lot of Tom Waits songs (in my experience) we're completely drawn in -- I feel like I am part of this criminal movie or whatever it is, I'm in that dark alley.

Three months

After hearing a million times that three months into your exchange is supposed to be some huge turning point, I'm left feeling mildly disppointed. And a little defective, honestly.

Some aspects of my life after three months here:

Sprache: I am disappointed with my German. I can get the jist of almost everything said in normal conversation, but in my classes, I'm lost about 85-90% of the time. My speaking skills leave something to be desired. I suspect this is because although I speak almost entirely German, I read and write a lot of English. I rely on my journal a lot, to express all the quirky thoughts and ideas that I can't share with anyone because of my language skills. I've tried writing in German, and I write a little in German almost every day, but it's mostly in English and that needs to change! And reading really relaxes me. I'm basically at the level of a five-year-old reading-wise. Oh yeah, and I can read religious gift books too. But I am really addicted to my books here, and I can't imagine reading only in German since it frustrates me a lot.

Akkordeon: The accordion is hard, really hard. I never realized it was so difficult -- I have a little toy one at home and I didn't know the real ones were so big. Well, they are big, and really, really heavy. You can't see any of the keys on the left side of the accordion, which you use to make chords, and all of them feel the same except for the C and one other, so it's so, so hard to figure out which is which. It takes me about 10 seconds to find the C, actually! Also it's hard to control the volume; I always start out normal, then get quieter as the air runs out, then get so loud as I start going the opposite direction! I also constantly run out of air at awkward times and need to take 2-pauses to figure out what I'm doing. But the good news is, I have real accordion lessons now, and a kelly-green accordion to take home with me! I'm hoping to get really good by the end of the year; then I can impress everyone with my sweet accordion skills at school meeting.

Sterne: Tonight I got really tired while marching up the hill to my house. Earlier, I was in school until one, then had Thai food at the Thai restaurant Tang found (€4 lunch) and drank a heiße Schokolade at Cafe Mokka whilst wating for the train. I took the train to Karlsruhe, spent a couple hours feeling really awkward and non-profficient in German while sort of baking chocolate bread, and then bought a phone card. (I shouldn't, I know, but I bought it at the Asian goods store for €5 and you get 350 minutes, which is ridiculous. I had to get it!) I also got a Thai ice tea, which brought me back to meeting for "good conversation" with Kayla on Congress Street. It brought back memories for Tang, too. When we were sitting on the train to Kleinsteinbach/Pforzheim, she told me, "When you talk to me, I can smell your breath, and it's like Thailand!" Oh yes, also I am already planning to visit her in Chiang Mai/wherever she's living the year after next.

I ate a sandwich at Subway. I am so sorry. I was hungry and there were scary teenagers standing outside my Kebap/falafel place, and I went in and the woman working was so nice to me! While I was buying it all I thought about was how much money that company probably gives to the Republican party. I don't think I'll ever be a normal teenager. Still, the sandwich wasn't bad.

I had to wait an hour and a half for the bus. And then, a 15-minute walk uphill. I stopped and turned around and admired the stars. It was a hermit-and-the-well moment (for those who have read "A Pebble for Your Pocket" by Thich Naht Hahn -- look into it, Mr. Murray). It was so beautiful, there are so many stars in my little village, and I felt really happy and serene. Orion was right in front of me, and from there I thought back to my astronomy class, from back when I was a lil' homeschooler, and I tried to remember other things. Unfortunately, I failed. I identified the vague area of Taurus, but which stars were involved, I had no idea. I felt proud of myself when I finally identified the Pleites (sp?). But the sky was so big, and so many things I couldn't name... I remembered (predictably) the scene in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" on the ice, when Clementine says, "Show me which ones you know..." That scene makes me tear up every time, or it would, if I were the sort of person who teared up during movies. I think the only movies to make me cry were "Capote" (as soon as the credits started rolling) and "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly," when the dad is crying on the phone. Books get me much more easily.

Schule: Still not so fun. I feel really awkward in my classes, and bad that I can do so little of the work. My German teacher wants me to write the test next week, and I don't see how that's possible since I've read only one page of the book! I'm no longer taking chemistry -- instead, I'm helping out with a 7th grade English class. I'm not sure exactly what I'll be doing yet, but I think it's good -- no chemistry!

Familie: In all politeness, I am ready to have some people to hang out with outside my family. Sometimes I get irritated with life here, as much as I tell myself how welcoming they are, and how much they've done for me, and how easy I have it. It's still hard for me to get used to their family life. Everything works really differently from my house and sometimes it drives me a little crazy.

Müller: Müller is a big store in the Schlössle-Gallerie where you can get anything you'd ever need. Upstairs they have lots of food and shampoo and soap and toiletrie-type things, and perfume, etc, and downstairs they have toys and electronics. I go there a lot, just to look around -- today I wandered into the board game section and I was amazed! There are so many wonderful board game options! And SCRABBLE in GERMAN! (Unfortunately they had no Apples to Apples-equivalent -- I think something like that would be wonderful for learning new words.) I am ready to spend many euros on board games now. Too bad no one in my family plays them!


Tomorrow I am going to sing in a little singing group with Alisa and then go to the AFS Christmas party. Christmas here is crazy! It's really great! I'll have to post some pictures soon, of the Weihnachtsmarkt, the tree in my school, the Schlössle-Gallerie and other things!

Ethik Arbeit

I have to take Ethics twice a week. It's supposed to be all religion-neutral, but in my opinion it's not. Our classroom is big with blank walls and a stylish chalkboard like all the other classrooms in our school. The window looks out on the Synagogue Pforzheim. Every morning the teacher wishes us a lovely good morning, and we say good morning back. Then he scolds us on how lame our "good morning" was and we all shout, "GUTEN MORGEN!" This quality in a person always irritates me a little, but I am still pretty fond of the ethics teacher. He brings out a big, industrial-looking bucket full of Bibles, and we need to read certain passages and discuss something. He writes on the board in illegible handwriting and I copy Aline's notes. Then I go home and attempt to translate them into English and learn charming phrases like "Opfer Christi für die Sünder der Welt" (Christ's sacrifice for the sin of the world.)

Today we had a big test in Ethik -- let's just say my knowledge of Christian Ethics makes me look like a jazz historian. He didn't even give me a test to write, and when I meekly said, "Er, entschuldigen Sie?" he didn't hear me. Sonya and Verena had to kind of shout in unison and then he handed me one. In the first section we had to write who Constantine was. I wrote an extremely charming, historically correct "Constantine was a king of Rome. He became king and then the Jews must to go out of the great city." I don't even know if that's true, I might be mixing him up with other antisemitic Roman kings.

Next I skipped some things, and anncounced that the Lamb symbolizes "Innocense and purity," the fish "the start and Jesus Christ." I next had to describe the differences between Catholicism and Evangelicism. I wrote, "In Catholicism the church is more necessary. In Evenagelicism it is also necessary, but not so very. In Catholicism it is a political power" (but I used the word like "magic power") "and it makes one's belief. Mary Mother of Christ is not so necessary in Evangelicism. She is the mother of Jesus and a good woman, but in Catholicism she is totally necessary. In Evangelicism there is no pope, and no defined ceremony to become a priest. In Catholicism there's a really defined ceremony with necessary words, and it's all especially necessary and defined."

Next came a poem we had to interpret. I wrote, "I'm sorry. It will take me maybe two hours to read that poem, so I can't do this!"

And, the "give your opinion": How do people use Christian ethics in their day-to-day lives? What do you think about these rules? I wrote: "I believe that for many people a God is good in that to believe. It gives them order and peace in the world. They know someone watches them and they can know they are a good person. Then they are good. They like to know what is good and don't have to deicde alone. So Christian ethics can be good for them. For people middle in America it is sometimes like this. Sometimes it is harder if you don't believe in a God because you need to decide without a God who says." (I had to throw that in there, maybe next time he quizzes us on our religious beliefs he'll offer "atheist" as an option!) "I find the Christian ethics sometimes too strong. We need to understand that they are from another time and understand them for today. Sometimes people don't understand this and think they are too defined."

So, maybe the ethics teacher (his name is Herr Häfner, which I think is funny even though it's a completely everyday name) will get a good laugh. Or maybe he'll think, "This girl's an idiot." We'll see.

The most adorable cake ever

How to make better coffee in a hotel room

I don't know exactly why, but this pleases me.

Heidelberg

I know this is really belated, but I wanted to post a couple photos since they are beautiful (if I do say so myself!)

On Halloween, I planned a little trip to Heidelberg for four people. My plans were pretty self-centered, excluding the Schloss, but including a variety of vegetarian restaurant choices, a medical museum, and a 45-minute walk uphill on a road called "Philosophenweg" where Goethe and Schiller and Heidegger and other famous guys used to hang. (Although not all at the same time.) Unfortunately two of them decided not to come, after I'd bought the tickets... but instead of considering it a disaster, I went cheerfully to Heidelberg with just Tang, and we had a really nice time. I love Heidelberg despite how touristy it is -- I find it absolutely beautiful.


Picturesque view of the city by the river.


Here I am! Yes, I am significantly chubbier, but I think that's pretty much to be expected.

Käse

"If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things." -- Descartes

I almost feel bad about including this quote on my blog. It's cliche -- it's like, "Obviously there's a quote involved here." But when I read this quote a little over a month ago, something clicked into place, and I knew everything would be okay. I thought, OK, I can do this. I can cope with this weird burst of self-loss, which is really the biggest roadblock here. Not the people, the city, the loneliness, food, whatever. It's me, because I really believe (perhaps absurdly) that I can change everything with a simple change of attitude. And lately I have been thinking, "What's going on here? Why are you so shy? Why won't you take every opportunity that comes your way? WHY AREN'T YOU HAVING A LIFE-CHANGING EXPERIENCE YET? Who is this person I'm suddenly stuck with here?"

Speaking of life-changing experiences and all, I recently read Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I enjoyed it despite its God-yness, but I am very skeptical; I think she made some of it up. If there is anyone on this planet (including you, Elizabeth Gilbert) who has had such a predictably meaningful experience, I would like to hear all about it. I don't believe such a person can exist. I don't believe anyone can just say, "I'm having a meaningful experience now! Here I go, to Italy and India and Indonisia, having a meaningful experience!" For me, the small amount of meaningfulness hits me when I least expect it, like yesterday when I was being bombarded with gifts and songs, as a small example. I suddenly realized that I am welcome here, totally out of nowhere. And even here in Germany, I expected to come back a CHANGED PERSON and right now I think I am just floating a little. I am inevitably going to change a little, but it will never be what I expect. And that's why I am skeptical of any example of someone planning it out: "first I am going to learn this, then this, then this." I don't think it happens like that, at least not for me.

I apologize for this "Käse" (the cheesiness.) Yes, that's an expression in German too! Also at the risk of sounding completely egotistical, I have realized that I do learn languages particularly fast. When I started my Deutschkurs a month ago (in Pforzheim), the others were all better in German and the work was really hard. Now I am way ahead of them, considerably so.

Still really sore... I don't know why going to Germany has given me constant muscle pain. But my yoga class helps, I wish I had it every day!

Oh yes, also the girl at Cafe Mokka spoke to me today and also handed me my yoga mat. I love it when people are nice not just out of obligation.

Birthday!

No offense to those at home, but this was probably the most wonderful birthday I have ever had.

My morning was normal, except for the addition of colorful paper napkins and a pretty candle to my breakfast table. I ate some strawberry müsli and ran to my bus. On the way to school I stopped to buy a stamp, and the stamp maschine ate my euro. I was pretty exhausted, as usual, and I went straight to my first class of the day, Deutsch. I entered the room and was immediately shoved outside again by a girl named Martina, who said (in English), "No, you must wait here now." So I waited for a couple minutes and then about ten kids LINED UP to hug me and say "Alles gute zum Gerburtstag"! I was basically in shock -- after all, I have only known these girls for a month, and usually I don't even interact with them except to offer such insights as "Today it is cold in the school!" and "In America the teachers are sometimes more nice, and not so strong." I went into the room and at my seat was a big homemade cake with candles, some cards, and some chocolate. I sat down, and a whole other wave of kids approached me and each person handed me a gift. Yes, I'm serious. I got chocolate bars and cookies and gingerbread and a book and lotion and soap and a pretty box -- AND a whole other homemade cake! (On it it says: "Alles gute zum Geburstag, für Zoe, von Pauli, Soni und Vere." Adorable!)

After the gift-giving was done, the class broke into song. It was a German song, and not "Happy Birthday", either. This song didn't just wish me happiness, it wished me friendship and kindness and love and hard work and all these other totally inexpresivably abstract things that made it so incredibly awesome. And they sang in a ROUND, and 80% of my class is in the chorus and they can all really sing. I laughed like an idiot. The Deutschlehrer looked a little aghast at this huge disruption, but he offered me "congratulations" and shook my hand. And let us eat cake before turning back to Mutter Courage und Ihre Kinder, which I have pretty much given up on.

In each class, someone informed the teacher it was my birthday, and I was sung to again. In French Frau Egge, smiling menacingly (like always) said in German, "I need two men, and they must be very strong, but also careful." Then the two Lukases in my class lifted my chair into the air (without telling me!) while the class sang "Something something something... und DREI MAL HOCH!" Oh my God, it was surreal. Getting all the gifts home was quite a production!

Then I had tons of cake and coffee with Regina and Hans-Peter and opened my presents. I got so many wonderful things, and it was so much fun to have all these packages to open. Aline (from my school) wrote me a really nice note about how happy she is I have come to Germany and she hopes I like the school and she would like to get to know me better; it was so sweet. I got many, many books. I started to tear up after reading the letter from Mana, and once I got to David Meiklejohn's letter I was crying pretty steadily... I was never such a crier before this year. Seriously. All it takes is the sentence "As you grow older, you will see a lot of people start to lose touch with themselves and their dreams" and I start bawling.

The gift opening took a while. The A.P.C. jeans still fit, even after two months of sugar and dairy products! Then we went to Karlsruhe and had Indian food with Alex and Sonja. I can open a menu and immediately know what everything is and how it will taste!! I mean, Navrattan Korma is basically always good! All my favorite comfort food... unfortunately I was SO full from the cake, and I didn't have much of an appetite even for Indian food.

So that was my birthday (roughly.) I had a really lovely day... tomorrow I will have a small party with the other exchange students in Karlsruhe. Should be fun, I think.

Today

So. Tomorrow is my birthday. I am not sure I am ready to be 16 yet, personally, but I accept it as it can't really be helped. I got a stack of letters in the mail today -- one from Pop, one from Mana, one from Ribby and one from Jason, which I've added to my pile of boxes and envelopes! Seriously, thanks so much. It makes me feel so happy to get packages in the mail, and so loved.

Today I had a rather funny day at school. I knitted basically all day, which was good because if I have nothing to do, I feel really awkward sitting with the other students and having nothing to say to them. I thought I would be so good at this (I CAN be social when I try really hard!) but I have no talent for making conversations with non-English speaking teenagers.

We had P.E. today, which really, really sucks. The teacher is getting more and more annoyed with me as time goes on, which makes me feel really bad because it's not like I'm terrible at everything on purpose! We have been working these past few weeks on throwing a 4-kilo ball. Some of the other girls can throw it eight meters or something, in one loose, graceful motion. I always end up throwing it straight down instead of out, where it bounces a little and then kind of thumps a horrible defeated thump in the middle of the squishy, royal blue mat. I think (although I didn't really understand the explanation, I could be mistaken) that next week we have to throw the ball 6 meters or else we get a six. I'm kind of counting on the six.

In music class, we are studying "Programm-Musik." I only sort of halfway know what this is, after two weeks of study. Every day we begin our class with these ridiculous salmon-colored textbooks titled "Sound Check 10!" (Yes, with exclamation point.) On the cover are some healthy, active-looking German teens giving the photographer a thumbs-up. We then sing from a variety of "Lieder" -- there are maybe 25 different songs in the book, but the music teacher usually picks from some of his favorites. These are, more or less:

Tonight (West Side Story)
Killing Me Softly
Swing Low, Sweet Chariot
Blowin' in the Wind
Eternal Flame
Dona, Dona

...and so on. You get the idea -- "classic," English-language, and the like. I always cross my fingers for "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" (page 74!) but unfortunately my prayers are not often answered. Another that I enjoy is "Neunundneunzig Luftballons," but I can't sing that fast in German! And it's confusing because I know all the words to that song in English!

Then we begin listening to "Pictures in an Exhibition," and we read along in these old-fashioned bright yellow books with the orchestrated verson AND the Klavier! And it's pretty awesome because we listen to all of the pieces over and over again, and I think I've heard them all by now. I always wonder what the image of "Gnomus" looks like, because the tune is so scary. What's up with that gnome? Then the teacher lectures and I copy the notes of a girl who sits next to me, named Corina. And I don't understand a single thing I'm writing down.

After school I went to Cafe Mokka. I had about 45 minutes before meeting Tang's train from Kleinsteinbach, so I got myself an expensive Rooibusch Latte for a last-day-ever-of-being-15 Geschänk. She was a little early, so she called my cell phone and I gave her directions to the cafe. We were hungry, and she was wondering if there was a Thai restaurant in Pforzheim. I didn't think so, but she asked the guy at the cafe anyway, and it turns out there was one right down the street! Tang is never, ever shy about asking people things, and 75% of the time it seems to really pay off. I would never think to ask if there's a Thai restaurant around, or expect any definitive answer, but it worked out.

We shared some really, really spicy Thai curry. It was so spicy it made me sweat, literally, but it was really good. Then Tang showed me this cool machine in a convenience store where you can put in your camera card and buy photo prints for 40 cents each. And they print immediately! I didn't even realize such a thing existed. So now I have a nice print she gave me of us in Heidelberg.

Speaking of photos, my USB drive is still not functioning... I really need to ask for help, I think.

Tschüs,
Zoe

Practicum

Sorry, I really don't know how to spell that.

So, today I borke the news to my host family that I'm planning on becoming a philosophy professor "von Beruf." I say "broke the news" because sometimes I feel a little like a tiresome deadbeat on society among all these future doctors and diplomats. (Two terribly practical professors that are really, really valuable in this modern age.) Before, when asked what I was planning on doing in the future I either said "I don't know yet" or "mumble mumble mumble professor of some kind." Yes, I know that's ridiculous, and I know I should be who I am and realize that philosophy can be very practical, and plus it makes me feel alive. And you that ol' saying, that the world needs people who feel alive? But still, I just feel a little umcomfortable with it; I feel a little what-am-i-doing guilt.

It came up because I have to make a Practicum. This is a week-long job shadow in February or March, and it's pretty important. My host family asked me what I wanted to do, and I said I wanted to be a professor.

"For what? For literature?"

"Um, yes."

They discussed options for a while (it looks like I'm going to be calling up the Pforzheimer Zeitung) and then asked some more clarifying questions. "For Shakespeare?" (I ranted for a while about my deep, everlasting love for Hamlet sometime during my first week here, I think.) "Or philosophy?"

"Philosophy," I said. "I will become a professor for philosophy."

They reacted not with the expected "What the hell are you doing with your life?" but with absolute enthusiasm and glee, and many stories about times both of them dabbled in philosophy. I was presented with a huge stack of books from the 70s set in beautiful fonts, which I probably won't be able to read for about five years (that's just a slight exaggeration.) With titles like "Existenzphilosophie." And Regina and I had a lovely conversation about Sophie's World, which she too has read! Anyway, they are both totally excited about my profession.

It's funny -- despite how different my host parents are from my real ones, these times come up when they remind me so, so much of my dad. And then I realize that despite how annoyed we sometimes get with each other, they really love me and I am really in the right place here.

Some words about school

First of all, I'm really sorry I haven't been writing more. I'd hoped to wait to update with some amazing photographs of Heidelberg and Regina with Davy Rothbart, but alas, there's something wrong with my (external! weird!) USB drive. So those will have to wait.

Second of all, thank you thank you thank you to all of you who sent me a package/letter. I love you all so much. My host family is mildly disturbed by my abundance of birthday packages (which I'm waiting to open!) as I don't think birthday gifts are as common here in Germany, at least for adults. I'm also really sorry about not writing back, for those who I have yet to write to. I promise that you will recieve a letter from me really soon.

And now, to school: I have a math test tomorrow that I am undoubtedly going to fail, despite all of Alex's help. I honestly have not understood anything the teacher has written on the board for the past four weeks. I am also too scared to ask him (or warn him about my failing) because I am absolutely terrified of him. He yells at us, "You learned this in the 8th class! YOU LEARNED THIS IN THE 8TH CLASS! This is NO Hauptschule!!" He is so scary!

I have another test on Tuesday, in history, that I will also undoubtedly fail. That teacher scares me a little also, but Alex promises he's a nice guy, so I think I will approach him and warn him beforehand. I expect a comment about "those Americans," since he likes to tease me about being American in the class... Often the other students have to translate his remarks for me.

I am incredibly sore from Sport class on Tuesday. I played volleyball for the first time in my life, and I find that I am almost unbelievably terrible at it -- worse at it than I am at soccer, or football, or softball. But, I am so sincere about volleyball, and I try SO FRIGGIN' HARD. I jump up and wave my hands about spastically whenever the ball comes my way. When I miss it, I race after it as fast as possible, throw it up, and proceed to try four or five times before getting it over the net. I run to wherever the ball is, then hit it down instead of up, and then try four or five more times to "serve." Within ten minutes I am drenched in sweat, and most of the other girls play well and appropriately without moving more than a few feet at a time. The teacher often "takes me aside" to lecture me on my terrible, terrible volleyball style. But I really hope she notices how much I put into these pathetic volleyball games.

Today I answered a few questions (rather gingerly) in French. My French teacher is a psychopath. Then is biology, I answered five or so times!! I totally understand the entire class -- I have never felt this good at biology in my life.

You can probably tell from my tone that I am in a good mood. However, it is still really up-and-down: today was one of those days when I woke up crying just because I was dreaming about home, thourough enjoyed the bus ride (it's really pretty because the little villages are all lit up in the dark mornings), spent the whole day in a kind of tired trance, then spent the afernoon feeling absolutely miserable and trying to convince myself not to call Alisa and complain to her again, then had a really funny Deutschkurs and a nice drive home... and now I am completely happy.

The only thing really distressing me at the moment is just feeling not-so-good about my German ability -- and my lack of friends. Right now I feel like I will never find a place here! Today I went to Cafe Mokka for a tea, and it was really nice because they have amazing tea (although don't ask for milk, that's not culturally acceptable.) It was empty except for this irritating couple, and when it got dark the woman working there put this beautiful big candle on my table and it was so nice and cozy! It was like Christmas. Still, I was feeling sad because in my head I kept going over everything I'd accomplished here in Germany and everything I want to accomplish, and I felt like absolutely nothing has changed since I got here. I'm just as homesick, just as friendless, I feel just as awkward (sometimes) with my host family, and my Deutsch isn't much better. I also feel really bad because one day I'll be really talkative and comfortable, the next I'll cry literally all day long, and I think it really upsets Regina. She really wants me to be happy and it confuses her when I appear to be so happy one minute and so sad the next. Still, I'm trying to go easy on myself -- I really haven't been here that long, and I have a lot of time to figure this Germany thing out.

Oh yes, more about school -- my novelty has worn off. At first, the others found me so interesting, and wanted to talk to me all the time and sit next to me. Now, nobody talks to me, not even Aline and Karoline (who are so nice). Often I am asked about English homework, but other than that, I'm a little ignored. Still, I'm not completely sad about this because I KNOW that even if I were to leave tomorrow, I would keep in touch with my family, Alisa, Tang, Martha, and Chiara. And even though we don't have a lot in common at times, those relationships will just keep getting stronger, and I trust that by the end of the year I will have made some real friends.

Also I think I am going to have a birthday party. I am so excited about this, it's like I am suddenly seven years old. I often feel seven years old here -- I suddenly remember how frustrating it was to be that age and never be taken seriously. More later.

Clarifying

By "inappropriately horrible attitude," I meant that I am still feeling homesick and this is hindering my adjustment a little. The main thing is that I'm still comparing EVERYTHING to home, all the time. I know that sounds like something I can immediately fix, but it's hard. I've talked to Alisa, my liason, about it, and she assured me that it's a completely normal way to feel, and also, it's good that I've at least noticed I'm doing it, because in her experience people often sink into despair without identifying the cause.

Here's a picture of Alisa, a truly awesome person:

Heute

First, a picture of my new fountain pen (bought last Wednesday):




Here, it is quite common for kids to use fountain pens for school, and they're very modern, cool-looking fountain pens, too. This one is so unbelievably awesome, I use it every day.

Today I went to a Schwimbad in a town near Baden-Baden with our neighbors, Frau and Herr Lieber. It was quite nice, like a giant, swimming pool-sized hot tub. There were water jets along the walls, and many fountains and whirlpools and water current things in the center. Every single person there was probably over 50. It was so, so funny, but felt really nice -- it's a thermal pool, so the water is naturally warm. It was actually raining too, which I loved, even though Frau Lieber made me wear this horrible swim cap.

Afterwards we had a lovely lunch; I had salad with rotkraut and then vegetable Maltaschen (which are like ravioli, only bigger and with spinach and mashed potato and usually meat) in alfredo sauce. Then, green tea. Then, we went on a drive through the Black Forest and then to Pforzheim. We went on a lovely, scenic drive through Pforzheim (sarcasm intended), and then to an accordion store owned by a friend of Herr Lieber. It turns out that he has about 15 accordions of his own, and he will let me play one sometime. Isn't that awesome?

The day before yesterday, I spent the day with Tang in Pforzheim. It was really, really funny for me because she had never been there before, and she LOVES it. She kept saying, "I love it here because it is SO much cheaper than Karlsruhe!" She is very frugal, but she bought tons of things -- clothes and shoes and shampoo and makeup. I said, "I don't like Pforzheim because it isn't pretty." She said, "I LOVE Pforzheim. It is pretty!" This was not even by the river. This was by the Hauptbahnhof. Isn't that interesting? Maybe it does depend on how one looks at it after all. Anyway, Tang's absurdly good attitude Saturday combined with a decent falafel sandwich for lunch made me a little more eager to give Pforzheim a chance.

Of course, all of this dialogue was in German. When I am with Tang, we speak nur Deutsch, which is one of my favorite things about spending time with her. We even watched Freaky Friday (the one with Lindsay Lohan, unfortunately) in German.

In other events, I am SO EXCITED to see Davy Rothbart in Stuttgart next week!! Plus I have a vegetarian dinner in Mühlacker to look forward to, so while I've still got this completely inappropriately horrible attitude, things are looking up.

A little story

Today was our first big test of the year, in Music class. Let me tell you: my first day of music class, all we did was sing little songs from a songbook about peace and Jesus. I thought, this is so awesome! This is like being ten years old again and playing the steel drums or autoharp or whatever. Well, music class is actually very, very difficult. I would say it is my second-hardest class, after chemistry. OK, and physics. In physics I literally understand nothing, nothing at all. It's probably even harder than math, or would be if I weren't such a dunce in math.

Anyway, we had a big test on jazz history, and jazz chords. I'd hoped that I'd at least be able to write a couple questions on the test, but that was optimistic -- I understood nothing. The music teacher came up to me, and I sad pathetically, "Ich kann das nicht." We looked at the paper, and then we looked at each other and laughed and laughed. "Continue to laugh!" he said in German. "You can just sit here laughing instead of writing the test! Tell me everything you know about jazz. You're American, you must know something." Miraculously, I understood everything he'd just said, but the satisfaction that comes with that is fleeting. Actually, it disappears in under a second -- as soon as I realize that there's no way I can convey that I understood everything, because I can't speak German! This is especially difficult when I'm talking to someone who speaks NO English (my music teacher.)

"Ich kann das nicht," I said sadly. "Ich kenne Jazz nicht." The music teacher just laughed at me. "Du bist americanisch!" he said again. Then he turned around to face the class and announced (in German, obviously,) "She's American, and she doesn't know anything about jazz! No wonder they say nobody learns anything in America." (Or something to that effect, I don't know exactly.) Everyone in the class started laughing at me.

"Country?" he suggested. "Kennst du Country? Just tell me what you know."

Well, that's pretty broad, I thought. That's okay. I started out by writing (in German), "Because I know nothing of jazz, and just a bit of country, I'm telling you all I know of the Beatles, and what I didn't forget."

I went on to schreib as much as I could, using such ingenious lines as, "Now the Beatles were in Beatlemania. They were beloved. One didn't hear in their concerts, because the crowd was too loud" and "In the next years, the Beatles had many changes. George Harrison was married. John Lennon divorced with his wife Cynthia. In 1966 John Lennon and Bob Dylan met together. Bob Dylan gave him marijuana. With the new drug was coming a new music style."

Then I finished (rather abruptly, after a brief description of Ravi Shankar -- "He was called the Sitar master and from him learned George Harrison Indian music") by writing, "Today the Beatles are still an influence. Like Daniel Johnston. Daniel Johnston is a beloved influence in 'outsider art.' He had mental illness. When he was young he loved the Beatles, and could with them identify." I included the lyrics of "The Beatles" to illustrate my point. (Ha ha.)

So we'll see how I do on the "test." I'm hoping for a five, personally (second-worst), or even an "ungradable." We'll see.

Second week of school, more aches and pains

Today was the second day of the second week of Gymnasium. So far these two days have been better for me overall, mostly because I'm getting used to the dynamics there, I think. It is still (obviously) extremely difficult for me to follow the classes, even the simpler ones. Everyone is still very nice and helpful, but it's clear that all the kids are very close and I feel a little like an outsider. Also, sometimes I feel bad struggling with German when they all speak English so well, and sometimes they have the understandable attitude of "Why can't we just translate for you, it would make everything so much simpler?".

I am so emotional, all the time -- I have to hold back tears every time the smallest detail reminds me of home. For example, on Thursday or Friday, we had to write imaginary letters for French class. This girl named Anette, who takes Latin, was reading one, trying to decifer it. It reminded me of the good ol' days when we would all eat lunch outside and talk about how annoyed we were with French class (probably within earshot of M. Troyan), and Rafa would read our Franco-American-themed paragraphs. And there was always a group of people playing Frisbee or strumming guitars or something, and it made me so, so sad to be at school and not elsewhere. Like the song says, "PATHS kids at the window/Laughing off their ass/At the scary hippie kids/Strummin' on the grass." Or whatever the song (written by our very own Mark and Mama D) says -- all that sticks in my mind is the ingenius first line: "We're high school freshmen parents, and we don't take no shit. It's a freaky hippie high school and we're down with it."

The main issues for me yesterday and today were simply exhaustion. I hate to complain, but here I am absolutely exhausted 90% of the time, mostly because of the language, but also because I have not been getting enough sleep lately. That and the fact that I am very achy; I still have weird stomach pains, plus weirdly achy muscles in my chest, and shoulder/back things partially from carrying a huge backpack each day. It's really strange for me, and it feels a little unfair that I'm getting hit with this stuff all at once! I've tried stretches, but it only provides temporary relief, and breathing deeply only makes it hurt worse. My mom and Mana insist it's probably the stress, which I think is true, but I am so paranoid about weird symptoms, I can never forget about it, which probably intensifies the problem if it is indeed stress.

I went to a cafe in Pforzheim today, and it was a little weird, but not a bad cup of coffee. I wanted to take a picture to document the experience, but I didn't have my camera with me! Next time, of course. Also, I'm going to make a map of some kind illustrating all the places I've been in Pforzheim to look at when I feel like I am in the middle of nowhere.

Next week is school vacation, yay! I have no plans, since Hans-Peter and Regina must work, but I'm going to try to organize a trip or something with other AFS students, or maybe go on my own. We'll see.

Katie's advice

Do you all know about Cultures Shocked forum? If you are a current exchange student or just curious, check it out -- it has been so helpful to be throughout this process!

I recently posted on it about my homesickness, and worries that after over a month I should be "adapted" already. Katie, another CBYX student, posted this great response that I thought you guys might enjoy. (Katie, if you are reading this, I hope it's ok with you.)

Hey, I'm on CBYX too. So I should know who you are, but I can't remember.

I'm Katie-- the girl with the short hair.

This promises to be epic:

I'm having a rough time too. I didn't think I would, and my host family is amazing. But I'm not in gymnasium yet and I haven't made any friends. I'm doing great with the language and everything, but sometimes I honestly feel like I'd be better off at home. Home where there's certainty and understanding and my family and friends.

I think I wasn't prepared for the enormous task of entering into a society where you don't speak their language. In the US, I have personality and am the top of my game-- here, I can't understand a lot and am just the exchange student. And it's little things-- like, I don't wear pants. And my host mum says that I need to wear pants because that's what German girls do. I feel like I'm being stripped of my culture. I never really realized I was American until I was in Germany. People stand closer than I'm used to and it makes me uncomfortable. I realize that I'd be so, amazingly screwed if I got in trouble and needed to speak German. My host family had been interpreting my silence (which I just am, a lot-- I think and look and don't talk sometimes) as stand-offishness, where for me in America, my parents think somethings wrong when I talk a lot.

When I went to my LOC, there was another CBYXer. She's doing great-- she loves it here and doesn't ever want to go home. She has lots of friends and loves school and I just... I don't know. But then I talk to other kids and they're having trouble and it's all okay. It will get better or you can go home (not meaning to be mean-- but if the homesickness doesn't get better or whatever, remember, you can go home... you're not stuck here).

I have great days and days where my eyes are perpetually leaking tears and days where time is just to get through. I'm exhausted almost always. Some days I'm just ready to pack it in and head for home. I just got back from vacation (my first proper European city) and it was so hard-- every time I saw something cool, I wanted to show my Mom, but instead I was on vacations with almost perfect strangers. My host family is amazing, but they're not my family. I think it's important for me to acknowledge who I am (with my culture) but also be willing to change. For example, yesterday I made my host family Thanksgiving and they were just thrilled and I was thrilled and I felt at home and perfectly content.

I think it's important to remember those times and how absolutely amazing what you're doing is-- living away from home is hard. It's very different, but it's mostly good. It's good for me to think about things to look forward when I'm sad. When I'm homesick, I like to go for a bike ride and when I look out at the world, I'm in Germany and that is so much better than it would be at home, where I'm breaking my soul in another year of unnecessary high school.

So, the homesickness is hard, but-- I think it gets better. Or I hope it does. I'm holding out for when I start school, so I actually have stuff to do. I think it might be good to talk to your host mum or your betreuer. Or if you'd like to talk, I can give you my email and we can correspond that way. So, that was long and sort of off topic.

Edit: my English is getting kind of gross. Sorry.


This was so great for me to read today, because she is going though the exact same thing as me! I have felt the exact same way about almost everything she mentioned. I have felt like however much I like my host family, they're not my family, and that's hard. I have felt like I am "losing my culture" at times, especially when it comes to the music thing. I haven't listened to any of my own music since I got here, and I haven't felt inspired to play music. Sometimes that feels really bad, like I'm turning into this complete stranger here. Same with when we were in Italy and I ran out into the rain... and Regina shouted, "Take an umbrella! You'll ruin your coat!"

It's those small things that it's impossible to prepare for.

First school days

Hello! I'm updating, finally.

Today was my fifth day of school (third real day) and it went pretty well, despite the fact that I had my first gym class. I was surprised to find that almost all of the people in my class are ridiculously nice, interesting in talking to me, and extremely patient with my German. The teachers are much more formal with us than I am used to, and are generally very quick to resort to English. I already have a strong dislike for my German teacher, but the others all seem perfectly nice despite their formality. My chemistry teacher reminds me strongly of Mr. Burke, which makes me feel, strangely, very happy.

The reason I dislike my German teacher is because when we met yesterday, our conversation went something like this:

German teacher (in German): Oh, you're back.

Me: Ja.

German teacher (in German): Who's going to win the presidential election?

Me (in German, not understanding the word): The... presidential election?

German teacher (in English): President! It has the word in it!

Me: Oh! Barack Obama.

German teacher: Ich hoffe. (Implying, of course, "If he doesn't it will be because of people like you.")

Later in the class I asked if I have to buy the German book, or if I can get it from the school. The German teacher said (in English, of course) "The others must buy it, but for you there's no point. You won't understand it anyway." What a bad attitude! When I recounted this story to Regina, she said menacingly, "Wie heißt der Deutschlehrer??"

I have met many nice people. I usually sit with a very nice girl named Corrina who lets me copy her notes because the teachers all have the same indeciferable handwriting. I have met another girl named Anette who said to me cheerfully on Friday, right before our last class, "Hast du Französisch? Ich muss zu Latein gehen. Schönes Wochenende!" I really wish 15-year-olds in the US bid each other farewell with "Have a beautiful weekend!"

This is certainly a generalization, but I find that German teenagers in my school are very mature and take school very seriously. When someone has not done their homework, they are spoken to very sharply. When the teacher asks a question, at least ten hands shoot up. Everyone does the work. It is very different from school in the US -- and my school has kids from 5th grade to 13th. It also has, like, three orchestras and three jazz bands and three choirs. And a restaurant. It's really scary, actually.

I have been hit with some homesickness this past week. Starting school has been very stressful for me, mostly because it is like a whole other "culture" to get used to. And also, having to listen to Deutsch every day is exhausting! And although this is probably really unfair, since I have been here only three days, I feel like the teachers really treat me as an inconvenience, and like it is my own fault I haven't learned German yet. It's also hard to be in a class of kids, however nice, who have been in the same group for every class since the 5th grade. They are obviously very close, and I don't think I will ever bond with them that much. However, I am trying to look at school in a positive light, and realize that I am there to do my best, meet some people, and improve my German, stress-free (not really.)

I talked to Alisa about this this weekend, because I was worried that this homesickness flare-up is not normal after over a month here in Germany. She said that she felt the same way during her exchange last year, and that she thinks it's incredibly normal due to my starting school. I hope that this will pass, and I will get more comfortable with school after a couple more weeks.

Freudenstadt photos

Right after the talent show -- the girl in the left-hand corner is Tang. Isn't her Thai dancing outfit adorable?

Walking in Freudenstadt

Freudenstadt house

In the room where we dicussed host families and such -- kid whose name I don't remember, Arthur, Karla, Chiara, Rafael, Jana, und ich.

Karla, Chiara und ich (they're from Poland and Italy, both really nice girls.)

(Photos courtesy of Francisco Xavier Torrez Herrera -- thanks!)

AFS Late Orientation

I just got back yesterday from my first AFS orientation camp. I really didn't want to go, prefering to stay in my small circle of host family, the Sprachschule crowd, and my neighbors, but I ended up really enjoying myself. The camp was in Freudenstadt, a picturesque town in the Black Forest. We stayed in a very nice youth hostel with pleasant rooms and delicious food. I roomed with Tang, two other really nice Thai girls, Marii, and Martha. Unfortunately I thought my camera was broken (long story!) so I didn't get any pictures.

AFS in Germany is very different from AFS in the States. I often feel like our AFS chapter at home is full of nice people who studied abroad in 1983. Here, the volunteers are recent returnees under 21, and they are (I mean this is in the best possible way) completely irresponsible. We had 30 students and 5 volunteers at our camp this weekend. On Friday we mostly socialized, played some stupid games, and then had a party in the basement. The AFS volunteers went out and bought beer for everyone, gave us a brief lecture about "taking it slowly" and then a couple of them proceeded to get quite drunk. It was really funny. I actually had a lot of fun and danced a lot. I think I was the only one who didn't drink, but nobody cared.

On Saturday we had discussions about our host families and the differences we'd experienced between Germany and our home countries. At first it was interesting, but it started to get very repetative. However, there were a couple discussions that I appreciated -- one about free time, and one about travel rules. We went for a walk in Freudenstadt and I ended up talking to this really nice Russian girl a lot. She lives in Saint Petersburg and does modern dance like I used to -- also, she has read an extrordinary amount of classic novels. It's pretty cool. After our walk, we all had to go into a little room for an announcement. One of the volunteers told us, "hey, we're gonna have another party tonight. But it won't be as good as the first one because the responsible woman from the office is coming. And also, the cheerleading persons complained; they said we were too loud. I know, what the fuck?" (There was a cheerkeading club staying in the hostel as well.)

Later our group had a talent show... five or so people put on a skit eerily reminiscent of "Jock, Rebel, Hippie, Devil: The Saga of Bubble Tea", and it was hilariously funny. They acted out our party and some of the dumb games we had to play... I can't accurately capture it. Martha and I did an Irish dance, Tang did some lovely Thai dancing, and Maria (from Russia) and Karla (from Poland) sang in Russian and Polish and did a crazy Russian dance. The talent show was not as painful as I expected. Then, there was another party, but I was exhausted and so I didn't go. I ended up sleeping four or so hours both nights, mostly because the Thai girls (however sweet) were extremely chatty. Then yesterday I went back to Gräufenhausen, went on the computer for a while, and went for a walk behind my house, on the country roads. Then I stayed up ridiculously late. So, I again got four or five hours of sleep!

And again, I shan't get more tonight... I ought to go to bed. I promise I'll talk more about lanugage school and other stuff later.

Finally!

Have you ever noticed how many exclamation points I use on this blog? It's a little embarrassing, actually. But anyway. I am finally updating my blog, after thirteen days away from home and six in Germany.

After a weekend in Baltimore with Erin and Sylvie, my dad drove my to the Dulles Crown Plaza hotel in Virginia, where all 50 of the Congress-Bundestag kids met up. The first day was spent doing nothing but waiting around and making awkward conversation. Although I didn't make any really good friends, most of them were really nice and welcoming. My roommate, Alyssa, was a really nice girl. Another person, Katie, was also very cool -- when I first met her, she was wearing a knee-length vintage skirt with mushrooms on it, and told me that she collects internal organs preserved in formaldyhyde. Therefore, she was definitely very different from the other C-B kids, the majority of whom had a more preppy style. She lives near Hamburg, however, seven or so hours away.

The next day, we went to D.C. to meet with our Congressional representatives and go to the German embassy, State department, and Goethe Institut. The woman I met with from Tom Allen's office, Joleen, was really great. She knew a lot about international exchange and AFS already, and she was refreshingly casual compared to everyone else we met with that day. I did not enjoy the State Department, but the German embassy was interesting -- we learned a little about the German political system, and I felt like the woman we talked to was a lot more straightforward about how the U.S. is percieved around the world. At the Goethe Institut, we watched a humorous video about Berlin. We had dinner at a German restaurant in the city, and I had a delicious portabello mushroom schnitzel with German salad (picked potatoes, beets, yellow beans, and sauerkrawt topped with lettuce.)

The next day was all activities and exercises related to fitting in in our host communities, etc. By this time, I was really ready to actually be in Germany, as was everyone else. The next morning we arrived at Dulles airport at 12:30 (our flight took off at 5:30 pm.) The plane ride did not feel too long. I watched an old movie dubbed in German and slept for maybe two or three hours. The next day was kind of awful. We had to stay in Frankfurt airport in the hallway, not being allowed to go anywhere except the bathroom, from 7:00 to 2:30, when our trains left. I drank my first Apfelschorle and talked to Katie and another girl named Becky, who is staying about an hour away from me. Other AFS students from Thailand, Italy, China, the Czech Republic, Finland, Russia, Honduras, Brazil, Paraguay, and more arrived, but I was so exhausted I was feeling really anti-social. I read about half of Kafka on the Shore.

We were sent away with local AFS volunteers to our individual trains. Ours was really funny, he was about 25 and kept telling us how much we would end up drinking and smoking and swearing over the course of the year. He was also not willing to keep track of us at all, so I kept feeling like I was about to be lost in the train station, lagging behind everyone else. I felt really bad by this time. I felt sick, hadn't eaten in ten hours, etc. I slept through pretty much the whole train ride. Suddenly I was roughly awakened by the AFS volunteer, then given lots of complicated instructions about how and when to get off the train. Finally he handed me my luggage and said, "OK, now!" I got off the train at the Karlsruhe stop and for some reason I thought I had to get on another train, but then Regina and Hans-Peter arrived to pick me up. I was so happy to see them and finally get to actually go home and sleep.

We drove 30 minutes to our tiny town, Gräufenhausen. It is on the edge of the Black Forest and has maybe 200 people. We live at the top of a huge hill and we can see the forest and other small villages from our deck. I have a lovely room to live in, and they have three pianos, a drum set, and a vibraphone. It's really nice. My host parents are wonderful.

I have been homesick this past week, but now that I am in language school in Karlsruhe, I feel much better. Also, my host parents have been really understanding. It's a lot more different here culturally than I ever imagined. Also, I never realized how much I really love Portland -- I expected to miss my parents, but not to miss everything about where I live. It's beautiful here, but it's so different. You can walk to the gas station or the convenient store, but not much else. The church bells ring every 15 minutes, and at 5 in the morning they go crazy, in remembrance of the miners who had to work every morning a long time ago. Oh yeah, and Gräufenhausen just celebrated its 900th birthday.

I have many charmingly German stories, but I can't remember any at this very moment -- ich bin ein bisschen müde. Well, here's one: yesterday when I was driving home from the train station with Hans-Peter, we stopped at the weird little gas station in Gräufenhausen. He went into the shop and came out with a piece of delicious, freshly baked Brötchen with poppy seeds and sesame seeds on it! Isn't that funny??

I went to real school in Pforzheim Tuesday and Wednesday, before language school began. The school is absolutely huge and scary. The kids in my class are really nice to me, and the teachers are very, very different from what I'm used to. My classes sound interesting, but I can understand absolutely none of what the teachers are saying, so they're absolutely boring so far. I'm taking ethics, French, politics, German, English, music (which is my "focus," so I have it four days a week), math, chemistry, biology, gym (unless I can somehow get out of it -- I'm going to try), history, and art. I think that's all.

I'll write again soon. And post pictures, if I can get Alex to help me figure out how!

Goodbye!

I'm leaving in a few minutes. It still does not seem real.

Tschuss!

(Belated) birthdays

Happy birthday to three of our good friends. On August 25th, Jill turned 13, on the 26th, Artemis turned 17, and today, Charlotte is 16. I celebrated Charlotte's birthday with some iced coffee at Arabica this morning. I got her a bar of chocolate, which will be followed with a slightly larger gift (hopefully tomorrow.)

Yesterday was Artemis's annual picnic at Kettle Cove. We took some pictures, but I'm having trouble getting any of them on my blog, due to my dad's fancy camera... I do not know how to convert them to jpegs. It was the last time I will see her until July 2009, since she's currently flying to D.C. for the week.

Other than that, I'm making preparations. I'm meeting with a nice lady from Tom Allen's office named Joleen next week in Washington, to encourage the Americans to continue supporting the Congress-Bundestag program. I'm pretty nervous about meeting everybody in D.C., to be honest.

A title

I think I will change the title of my blog to something more exchange-themed. Currently I'm trying to think of something, but it's difficult since I've gotten so used to "terrible modern."

A successful party

I think the party was quite a success. There was a perfect amount of food, everything was delicious, and no one seemed lonely. I got some gifts from extremely generous friends, including three beautiful journals, a Lonely Planet guide, a copy of Der Prozeß (complete with notes in the margins, my favorite), a hat, and a pair of A.P.C. jeans. Despite how many strange things we put in the pinata (Japanese and Korean candy, ballpoint pens, and third place ribbons) it was a crowd-pleaser, and even Nick, Ava, and Elliot appreciated it. I attempted to put some pictures of the party on my blog, or at least my Flickr, but alas, they claim to be in the wrong format. I know I can figure this out, but I don't have the patience right now.

I realized that lately I've been using a ridiculous number of commas, and I don't know why! What a bad habit.

Party time

Kayla and Veronica are off! They left last Wednesday for the Czech Republic and Hungary, and have now finished their orientations and moved in with their families. Kayla is living in a small suburb outside of Prague, and Veronica in an apartment in the center of Budapest. I have yet to communicate with either of them, understandably, but I look forward to hearing about their adventures.

I bought a nice big L.L.Bean rolling duffel, and this morning I packed it full of stuff. We don't have a scale, but I really hope it's not over 40 lbs. I can hardly pick it up. Later I'll start collecting things for my carry-on.... I have a lot of space, since I'm bringing my Manhattan Portage schoolbag, and I've decided to ship my ukulele packed in bubble wrap. I am a little terrified that I'll forget something critically important, like Claritin, Stitch 'N Bitch, or Kayla's Ambrosia tea.

Today is the big day. 35+ people are coming over to celebrate my "retirement," listen to DanceyPoncey, and smash a pinata. We only realized a few minutes ago how many references to my new music video are included in this party: the pink-and-blue donkey, popcorn, a case o' Moxie, the Happy Retirement sign, and a Thao Nyguen snippet. Plus, there's vegan sushi and croquet in the yard! It'll be fun, for sure.

I'm still not nervous at all; maybe there's something wrong with me! I am just super excited to meet my family and experience all these new things... The only part that I'm nervous about is the orientation, because I am very shy and not very good at "bonding" with other teenagers. I've also been feeling a little insecure about my German abilities. I can make myself understood, but I'm afraid that everyone will have a "why can't we just speak English?" attitude, especially when I'm stumbling for the word for "pen" or whatever.

Today I found out the address of my language school in Karlsruhe, and it's just down the street from two Eiscafes (ice cream parlors), a Deutsche Bank, a brick oven pizza place, and a bunch of cafes! Karlsruhe looks so much like Cambridge. A little college town. I will be going to the Sprachschule for five hours a day, for a month, so I can learn German a little better before starting at the normal Gymnasium.

Getting excited!

Hello, all.

Firstly, Charlotte is back from Senegal! She had so many stories to tell and she isn't going through reverse culture shock (yet), so all is good. She brought me a beautiful patchwork skirt, which I'll post pictures of soon.

This week, our German exchange student, David, is staying with us for a week while his permanent host family is on vacation. He arrived from Germany just the night before last. Today we went downtown and I showed him around the old port -- I took him to Arabica, Bull Moose Music, and the Rogues Gallery store. Here's a photo we took quickly at Kettle Cove before getting back in the car (there were TONS of bugs):


It's kind of a funny picture of all of us, and I'm not really that fat. But no matter. As I said before, it was buggy.

Tonight David, Ezra and I went to Kayla's goodbye party (she's going to the Czech Republic), which was so fun. Devyn was there with her Norwegian sister, Anna, who is really sweet. Tomorrow David and I are going to see The Dark Night with them, which should be great.

Today I got a Facebook message from my German liaison! She will be the person I talk to when I have problems with school, my family, or Germany in general. Her name is Alisa, she's from Karlsruhe, and she's only 18. I am so excited to meet her and my family, after hearing so much about them.

'Llectuals

I figured it was time for a change of template. My old one was looking a little dark and wintery.

I hope you enjoy this weird teen drama parody:

Worst blogger

I figure it's about time for an update, since I have been the worst blogger ever these past weeks! My summer has gone by unbelievably fast, it seems like I still have so much to do before I leave on the 30th. (My plane to Frankfurt takes off on September 5th.)

First of all, Charlotte is currently on a plane coming home from Senegal. I exchanged a few e-mails with her during her trip, which was so nice for me; I can't wait to see her and hear more about her trip. Today I went to the doctor to have my TB test read (it's required to go to Germany), and I'm happy to report that I do not have Tuberculosis. Today I'll hopefully purchase a case for my knitting needles, and we're borrowing a scale to weigh my luggage.

I'm hosting a show on Blunt on Monday. If you care to listen, it'll be on at 7:30-8:30 as usual -- just go to the WMPG website and listen to the live streaming. But I suggest that you don't, because I'm definitely under-prepared.

I've been knitting like crazy! My most recent project was a striped tea cozy from Knit Simple Magazine:



I also made a flickr account to further document my trip. Let me know if you want the address! That's about all. I've realized this blog post reads like a particularly unorganized letter. I apologize for that. They will be more organized in the future.

More pictures of the Kedougou region