This is starting to feel like a science experiment

You know: what happens when you stick a socially awkward 16-year-old in a foreign country, stop feeding her vegetables, make her speak virtually no English, and cut her off from people that she knows and real conversations?

Well, right now, I am sick. Yesterday I had a fever, which has gone down, but I've still got a headache and snuffy nose. I've been sleeping a LOT. I'm feeling a little sad around Christmas, which I suppose is normal.

I'm worried that I've developed a horrible attitude, or that something else is going on with me. I feel like I'm the only one who isn't having the time of her life in Germany, and really disappointed in myself in general, like I should be doing something that I'm not. I feel like I am so far from making real connections with the people here, includuding my host family, the people in my class, and the other exchange students. I miss honest conversations. I am constantly either censoring myself or simply being unable to convey what I'd like to in German. Or simply not speaking -- there are days when I say nothing, all day, but "hello," "good-bye," "how are you?" and "good" (in response to both "how are you?" and "how was your day?")

I am so frustrated! I never, ever imagined feeling so dysfunctional, and it has been more than THREE MONTHS, and I hate feeling like I am completely, totally alone in being out of place and lonely and unable to appreciate my exchange year.

I don't want to go home and tell people I hated my year here. I really, really want to have a good exchange year.