Käse

"If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things." -- Descartes

I almost feel bad about including this quote on my blog. It's cliche -- it's like, "Obviously there's a quote involved here." But when I read this quote a little over a month ago, something clicked into place, and I knew everything would be okay. I thought, OK, I can do this. I can cope with this weird burst of self-loss, which is really the biggest roadblock here. Not the people, the city, the loneliness, food, whatever. It's me, because I really believe (perhaps absurdly) that I can change everything with a simple change of attitude. And lately I have been thinking, "What's going on here? Why are you so shy? Why won't you take every opportunity that comes your way? WHY AREN'T YOU HAVING A LIFE-CHANGING EXPERIENCE YET? Who is this person I'm suddenly stuck with here?"

Speaking of life-changing experiences and all, I recently read Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I enjoyed it despite its God-yness, but I am very skeptical; I think she made some of it up. If there is anyone on this planet (including you, Elizabeth Gilbert) who has had such a predictably meaningful experience, I would like to hear all about it. I don't believe such a person can exist. I don't believe anyone can just say, "I'm having a meaningful experience now! Here I go, to Italy and India and Indonisia, having a meaningful experience!" For me, the small amount of meaningfulness hits me when I least expect it, like yesterday when I was being bombarded with gifts and songs, as a small example. I suddenly realized that I am welcome here, totally out of nowhere. And even here in Germany, I expected to come back a CHANGED PERSON and right now I think I am just floating a little. I am inevitably going to change a little, but it will never be what I expect. And that's why I am skeptical of any example of someone planning it out: "first I am going to learn this, then this, then this." I don't think it happens like that, at least not for me.

I apologize for this "Käse" (the cheesiness.) Yes, that's an expression in German too! Also at the risk of sounding completely egotistical, I have realized that I do learn languages particularly fast. When I started my Deutschkurs a month ago (in Pforzheim), the others were all better in German and the work was really hard. Now I am way ahead of them, considerably so.

Still really sore... I don't know why going to Germany has given me constant muscle pain. But my yoga class helps, I wish I had it every day!

Oh yes, also the girl at Cafe Mokka spoke to me today and also handed me my yoga mat. I love it when people are nice not just out of obligation.