Working

WWOOF Germany just re-did their website and it looks great. I am tempted to buy a one-way ticket there (which would pretty much completely deplete my bank account) and stay until they kick me out of the country. That was my plan this morning, until I remembered that I probably will find a job eventually, and until then I can babysit, and probably India will end up working out. The job search is just frustrating me at this point. I really hate applying at a bunch of crappy places and then having them not hire me.

Maybe eventually a place that's not crappy will hire me, though, after the college kids leave. I asked the nice guy at Arabica about employment and his advice was, "Just keeping hanging around! That's what I did -- and then eventually, I ended up behind the counter!"

In the meantime, I am enjoying Scrabble Sundays with David M. and my mom. We had a nice afternoon downtown at Bard, including some free scones from Standard Baking and MY VICTORY. (Maybe my first win against David M., an expert Scrabble player, EVER!!) I spelled "vibrate" for 80-something points. Too bad I didn't get a picture of that special moment. I think that means I have regained fluency in English. Then we visited the travel store down on Commercial Street, where I realized that they make quick-dry bras and water bottles with filters in them.

I am going to hold out for India.

Climbing

In preparation from my upcoming Katahdin trip (about which I'm getting increasingly nervous,) Max, my dad and I climbed Pleasant Mountain yesterday morning.







It was, well, pleasant -- not an extremely strenuous hike, but challenging (for me) towards the end. I am trying to build my endurance as a relatively out of shape city girl. I know I should just go for it, but Katahdin feels very intimidating.

The prom

The prom was awesome. I really didn't want to go at first. I resisted for a long time, and then just a few days before, Max and I decided we might as well just go.

I made Max an edible boutonnière out of lemon thyme and mint.







He actually did finish eating it entirely by the end of the night.



Our parents took tons of pictures of us. I wore a dress that I bought in 9th grade, a Gunne Sax from the 70s, which I thought didn't fit anymore but magically did.



We both wore flip-flops.



Us looking prom-y.





Some of my class.



We took some great pictures of Max, his brother Oliver and me, with us posing as the charming prom couple and him as the suspicious stranger in the background:





The prom was on a boat, which to me sounded like it could either be really nice or really claustrophobic. It was, in fact, quite pleasant, and I'm truly glad I ended up going despite the banality of prom.

Model UN

For some reason, I was convinced I wouldn't have fun at Model UN. Social situations scare me. I worried I wouldn't do well. It turns out that not doing well is pretty difficult to do as long as you talk. I didn't say anything profound throughout the entire conference, but I talked a lot and as a result I felt really good about myself. I was a good Afghanistan, I think.

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had fun after all. They have a running joke about how I hate fun. Maggie said, "I TOLD you you would! This is exactly your idea of fun, because you hate fun!!" It's true that pretending to be the UN for five 3-4 hour sessions is pretty awesome. You get to sit in a room with a white tablecloth and a white placard in front of you and be talked to very seriously.

Yogurt

Since I've come back from Germany and been quite un-vegan, I've been enjoying yogurt. My favorite breakfast is Greek yogurt with walnuts, oats, and maybe some dried cranberries in it. Today I started thinking about this yogurt, which I used to eat in Germany sometimes:

It's yogurt that comes in big glass jars and all kinds of obscure flavors, like mango and cookies and cream. When I live in Germany, I will buy it a lot.

That's all. Three AP exams down, one to go!!

WWOOF

Something crazy happened to me this week: I got the NSLI. This is a full scholarship to study Hindi in India for a year. Last year only six people in America received it; I'm not sure what the numbers are this year, but in any case, it's pretty competitive. Here's the thing: I'm about to turn it down.

When I first got the letter, the thought that ran through my head was: How can I turn an opportunity like this down? This is amazing, learning a language like Hindi is perfect for me, and it's an award, affiliated with the State Department, where I (forgive me, I guess I'm "the man") may want to work someday. But I have thought about it a lot, and I think that working for a few months and WWOOFing in India from January to June is going to work better for me. I am no longer sure the exchange experience is the right thing for me to do right now, for my gap year, and I am so excited to travel somewhere as an adult, learn about farming, see everything I want to, etc. It's simply a different kind of experience, but I kind of feel I've done the exchange in Germany and I'd like to try something new -- being a worker, not a student, and an adult tourist, not a child. The other piece of this plan is that I'm going to go with Max. He has wanted to go to India for a long time as well, appreciates a good dosa, and knows an incredible amount about farming. I think we will travel together well, and without meaning to sound at all anti-feminist, I feel better knowing that I'll be traveling with a male person. I've heard that this diminishes the harassment that western women often experience in India significantly. We are beginning to plan things out a bit.

It's Sunday, my least favorite day of the week, but tomorrow there's no homework due (other than many IR readings) and I'm having lunch with my English teacher, who I love, so things are good. Also, tonight=pomegranate-ginger cupcakes. I will let you know how they turn out.

i came by myself to a very crowded place

Yet another month has gone by without a single blog update. When I find my camera cord/organize my life, there will yet again be pictures.

Tomorrow is the first day back at school after a long April break. I have a lot coming up before school ends in a VERY FINITE AMOUNT OF TIME. I've procrastinated on my USM class again, and AP exams are imminent. Leonard Cohen helps. I like this first line because it makes me think about feeling lonely in places where there are lots of people around, like today. I appreciate his poetry a lot.

The "school drama" that has emerged recently seems to be mostly caused by the prospect of being totally done at the shack in a few short weeks. I feel bad about how detached from this I feel. I am really happy and excited to be done with school. I want Charlotte to come home and I want summer to happen. I am dreading having to say goodbye to people I care about (Max, Charlotte, Lilly, etc) but I feel very finished with school and ready to move on. I probably will not cry at graduation, which makes me wonder if I have no heart.

Also, GERMANY. Germany is like a piece missing from my soul. Forgive my melodrama, but there is a piece of me that I left there. I want to go recover it. And somehow also fit in the fabulous WWOOFing plan that I have constructed from January-June. I have a strong impulse to travel, stronger than I can ever remember having, and I wish there wasn't anything (i.e. money) holding me back.

Die deutsche Sprache fehlt mir. Ich habe jeden Tag Angst, dass ich sie total vergesse. Ich versuche Bücher zu lesen, Deutsche Welle zu hören, und so weiter, aber es ist einfach so, dass mein Deutsch nur schlecht wird, weil ich einfach in den USA bist, und kann nicht mehr regelmässig sprechen. So ist es.

barnard

Today is a BEAUTIFUL DAY. For multiple reasons. Number one is, of course, that I was accepted to Barnard College today, my absolute-first-choice school. I will be living in New York for four years. At Barnard. This idea is kind of incredibly wonderful.

I feel very prepared for things in general. I am always a little afraid of optimism, as if it is some kind of jinx, but I am so much looking forward to tomorrow and next week and the months to come. I know I have some tough decisions to make in terms of my gap year, because while I still really, really want to defer and go to India next year, I am having second thoughts about my initial plan and I'm working on another plan for how to get there. I'm considering work for six months and then farming. And maybe a stop in Thailand somewhere in there??

The fact that everything will be so different so soon is scary, but I'm working on just being excited about it instead of worrying about change. I think I'm doing a decent job.

my favorite emily dickinson poem ever

As a general rule, I do not like poetry. I am not easily charmed by it. Therefore, it is remarkable that for the past two or three days, I simply cannot stop thinking about this poem. I first heard it in December in the car on the way to North Carolina with Mana and Pop; we listened to four hours of lectures about Emily Dickinson. I find it eerie. It is striking.

It was not Death, for I stood up,
And all the Dead, lie down --
It was not Night, for all the Bells
Put out their Tongues, for Noon.

It was not Frost, for on my Flesh
I felt Siroccos -- crawl --
Nor Fire -- for just my Marble feet
Could keep a Chancel, cool --

And yet, it tasted, like them all,
The Figures I have seen
Set orderly, for Burial,
Reminded me, of mine --

As if my life were shaven,
And fitted to a frame,
And could not breathe without a key,
And 'twas like Midnight, some -

When everything that ticked -- has stopped --
And Space stares all around --
Or Grisly frosts -- first Autumn morns,
Repeal the Beating Ground --

But, most, like Chaos - Stopless -- cool --
Without a Chance, or Spar --
Or even a Report of Land --
To justify -- Despair.

weather

We have had crazy 55-degree weather the past two days round here. I don't usually concern myself with the weather (either thinking about it or talking about it), but I have seriously enjoyed being outside in the warm sun and sweating while walking up the hill to Congress in my thin green spring jacket. Yesterday I went to the beach, and I actually took off my shoes and walked around in the sand and it wasn't cold. Stepping in water was pleasant, not icy. I was there with my friend Max, and afterward we went to Red's and got ice cream, and then we came back home and made coffee and played backgammon and scrabble and it was a practically perfect day.

Today, I walked downtown with my dear mother, visited some vintage shops, and met Enoch at Arabica. We also observed a man simultaneously riding a stunt bike and playing an electric guitar. Maybe a toy one, but still a guitar. I love my town.

Tonight we're having some people over for the Oscars. I'm disappointed that I never got to see Avatar, because I think it will win. When I saw the trailer for Avatar, I was violently opposed to it because there are blue people and the font used is PAPYRUS (!!!!), but since then a lot of people whose opinions about movies I trust have recommended it to me, so I'm keeping an open mind. Tomorrow I get my IR midterm back. My first midterm ever. I predict a B-C+.