little voices mimic you

Today I had... one of those days.

The recipe for these days is simple: I get no sleep, am exausted, as a result my German becomes really bizarre, I feel awful about it, and then I decide I have no friends. Then something really small pushes me over the edge, and no matter where I am -- school, Leopoldsplatz, the dinner table -- I start sobbing uncontrollably and muttering encouraging words to myself.

The last day I had like this was exactly two weeks ago. I had gym, was on a team with a group of people who could actually play volleyball, and got angry with me when I messed up, and as soon as I reached the dressing room after the class I erupted into tears. Verena and Franziska and Rhonia ran away, but Aline talked to me and hugged me and it was really sweet.

This time, I bought the ABSOLUTE WRONG TICKET to go to Sinsheim on Wednesday. It was my fault for being such a Dummkopf. I thought I was buying one that arrived in Sinsheim at 9:00 instead of one that left Pforzheim at 9:00, and I DIDN'T EVEN LOOK to make sure the time was correct before I purchased it!! I just felt like a failure. I ran to the Volkshochschule and locked myself in the bathroom, not caring who threw me out since it's not a public bathroom and my yoga class wasn't until three hours later. In that moment everything felt impossible to solve. There was no way I could go back and ask for another, it was too embarrassing, and for the same reason I could not ask my host parents what to do. I ended up concluding that my only option would be to not go at all -- to tell the AFS volunteer who is having me come to the school where she works and talk about America that I couldn't go -- but my plan was foiled when Regina asked me how buying the ticket went as soon as I walked in the door.

"We actually have to speak about that," I said. I ended up confessing the whole thing -- although I did tell a little lie and say that I didn't buy the new ticket at all, because I had to change trains four times. I DID have to change trains four times, but I think it's better that she doesn't know I bought the ticket because that seemed like the line between partial and total humiliation. The ticket was only nine euros. So I guess I paid nine euros to save myself from total humiliation. This is acceptable.

And my host parents were extremely nice about my inability to figure out my route to Sinsheim on my own. I often feel funny about needing them for anything -- they remind me often that they "don't have time for that." No time to remember my schedule for me or make me lunches or make my bed. All things that a 16-year-old should be able to do on her own, but as a result, I feel just... weird about asking them for help. But in this case they were very, very kind and Alex (completely refreshingly figuring out this plan in about ten seconds) is driving me to Sinsheim on Wednesday. All is well.

Tomorrow I have Sport!!!!!! But I am trying not to take it too seriously. And now I should make myself a hot water with honey and lemon and e-mail Tang and go to bed. Gute Nacht.