Things are up and down, always. I realized today that I can't remember the last time I watched TV downstairs with my host parents in the evening; I've been spending more and more evenings on the computer for three hours or more. At first that sounds awful, and makes me feel bad, but I also think that I feel more comfortable here, in the house, as demonstrated by the fact that I no longer feel required to watch TV with the family. Today I ate French Fries with a fork and knife. I am trying.
I read a lot of my journal today, the one from February 2008 until October 2008. I wanted to buy a new journal before I left for Germany, but I am unbelievably happy that I decided not to, because I can read my writing from home, remember it wasn't perfect, and also estimate how long six months ago feels. (On the 17th I will have exactly six months left in Germany.) Six months ago there was a huge gap in my journal-writing. All I have to remind myself of what I was doing last July is a post in which I was convinced I had cancer, and a dream that I was in a medical examination room with Mana and my Mom. My mom probably had cancer, and then I went home and there were all these tumor-like lumps in my feet, and they were moving around under the skin, and I got really freaked out. But then I found these skin flaps on the bottom of my feet, and open them up, and inside my feet were little round balls, maybe cereal. And I remembered putting them there for safekeeping.
It's SO WEIRD to think that my time here is almost halfway over. I have accomplished so little! My time here recently has been spent distracting myself from my thoughts with DVDs and chocolate and alt-country music. I love Conor Oberst's new album, despite the "experimental" aspects which I find a little overdone -- the voices, crazy baking vocals, SO MANY "ready now?"s before the songs. I've also been listening (still) to this Jenny Toomey CD that Jason sent me. It's really wonderful, full of witty and surprising lyrics. She's a lovely singer and a couple songs have almost heartbreaking moments, impossible to capture without hearing them.
That's all at the moment. Tomorrow = school and awkwardness. Friday = seeing "Twilight" at the cinema in German. Weekend = computer and lots of journaling and failing at German and more awkwardness.
I need to stop text messaging my parents, because I do it almost every day and I think it might be ruining my life. Or at least the next six months.
And I'm sorry about the overall negative overtone of this blog. I am not feeling good right now. I want to feel good. I pretend that I am, and I spend so much time making lists in my head of all the worse situations I could be in, but I am taking my mom's advice and really accepting how I feel: I do not feel good.
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2 Kommentare:
1. i AM glad you're honest - that's what this blog is for, right?
but, having said that...
2. don't forget to blog about some of the happy/weird/funny/charming/odd things that happen. i know i'm suggesting this partly for selfish reasons, but i think it might be good for you, too. mental health-wise (writing happy things really can affect how you feel), as well as making this blog a truer reflection of your experience for you to look back at. i know at the very moment you're feeling low it's hard to realize this, but i KNOW that there are positives, however tiny they may seem, sprinkled throughout your difficult days (i.e. selling your radio piece, discovering the cafe in pforzheim, corresponding with karin from e&e, and what you liked about spain). it's so much easier said than done, but please try to look for the bright spots.
3. let's take a communication hiatus, and see if that does make you feel better!
4. ich liebe dich, zoe! (hope i said that right).
I am always annoyed when people backlog comments, but I am horribly guilty of it.
It is weird because here I am journalling, honestly-- mostly I write for an audience, honestly. But these days it is about getting things off my chest, as some sort of declaration that i've done SOMETHING and experienced SOMETHING (caps win) in the past five months.
It is scary and exhilarating to realize that we have made it halfway through. Somedays i am still struck by the OMG I BES IN DEUTSCHLAND bug and am horribly, glitterly enthused for the entire day. and other days i am just frustrated by everything-- my inability to speak any language, my host family, myself, etc. i worry that i will regret the times when i stick my ear buds into my ears on the bus and zone out, instead of 'taking advantage' of this year.
today was a fliey day-- i wear a skirt and teach girls how to make american icing and manage to be functioning and successful and things. but yesterday was not good and with tomorrow comes a hard conversation, and it is not so good.
oh and ps-- when i come to visit you, we should do a voice-feature. i promised someone i'd do video posts, but can't figure how to install the webcam. (i technically fail).
one of the things that you might not know about me is that i am one of those awkward kids that reads their poetry to anyone who will listen and have done radio-babies as well, although i am beyond hopeless when it comes to recording.
good night, dear.
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