This is what we're reading in Deutsch right now -- too bad I'll never understand it, because I think it actually looks kind of interesting.
Samstag, Januar 24, 2009
And now, a book
This is what we're reading in Deutsch right now -- too bad I'll never understand it, because I think it actually looks kind of interesting.
Pancakes
Here I am:
I didn't wear this outfit out of the house. In Germany I usually try to blend in on the bus with my jeans-boots-H&M-sweater combo. Instead, I wore it to make "American pancakes."
And here's my face:
Pancakes:
Note how round these pancakes are. It turns out I am actually quite good at making American pancakes -- hmmm, I never knew! They weren't a huge hit, but that doesn't matter. Making them made me first think of the pancakes my mom makes, whole wheat vegan ones with pumpkin and that are SO, SO GOOD, but then I started thinking instead of my dad making "breakfast for dinner": eggs and homefries with lots of garlic. And about how nobody in my house cares if the whole house smells like garlic, because garlic smells friggin good.
Thanks for your volleyball sympathy. I know I am a complainer, but it's frustrating sometimes. And my life in Germany isn't at all as frustrating as this blog makes it appear to be, either; I definitely use this blog to vent a little, which is why it's taken on a slightly depressing tone.
Good morning.
I didn't wear this outfit out of the house. In Germany I usually try to blend in on the bus with my jeans-boots-H&M-sweater combo. Instead, I wore it to make "American pancakes."
And here's my face:
Pancakes:
Note how round these pancakes are. It turns out I am actually quite good at making American pancakes -- hmmm, I never knew! They weren't a huge hit, but that doesn't matter. Making them made me first think of the pancakes my mom makes, whole wheat vegan ones with pumpkin and that are SO, SO GOOD, but then I started thinking instead of my dad making "breakfast for dinner": eggs and homefries with lots of garlic. And about how nobody in my house cares if the whole house smells like garlic, because garlic smells friggin good.
Thanks for your volleyball sympathy. I know I am a complainer, but it's frustrating sometimes. And my life in Germany isn't at all as frustrating as this blog makes it appear to be, either; I definitely use this blog to vent a little, which is why it's taken on a slightly depressing tone.
Good morning.
Freitag, Januar 23, 2009
Obama, Volleyball, Housewives
First of all, OBAMA IS PRESIDENT. That was just... really nice. Really nice to watch, to be with my host family, and to chat with Isaac and my parents at length on Wednesday about. I did not cry. I liked the color of Michelle Obama's dress. I understood most of Obama's speech, but I would've liked to hear it in english, without the German overdub. I laughed when I saw Dick Cheney in the wheelchair. I think things will get much better. I hope they will. I hope.
Now, more about SCHOOL. Where should I start? Maybe my FAILING CAREER IN VOLLEYBALL. When I was in elementary school, I cried during almost every gym class, except when we were playing soccer. I was scared going into my class here that I would be yet again constantly on the verge of tears, but that luckily wasn't so. Until now. I find I am that person that nobody wants on their team. My gym teacher pulled me out of the game two weeks ago to try (unsuccessfully) to teach me to hit the ball, then I ended up just standing in the corner. Last week, I ended up in a pair with a girl who is especially good at volleyball, with was awful. I have gone back to feeling unathletic and horrible and humiliated. I have found that when someone throws a ball at me, my first instinct is to run away. My second is to catch it. And I have very slow reflexes. Volleyball is just not for me. I don't even take the tests with the class anymore. I sort of doze off and try to think at things I excel in, and I end up failing, and then I think, "Zoe, when you grow up nobody will care that you're terrible at sports, no one will care, no one will care," but then I think, "Perhaps, but then I'll be old and have to have a job and I won't be living in Portland, and I will probably aquire heart problems from my lack of physical exercise and it will be very, very bad." Other times I think of other people who are bad at sports. All of these people live at home. I don't think anyone in the entire country of Germany dislikes sports. Now I am making generalizations about my host country as well as speaking no language and writing boring blog entries.
On Wednesday I spoke to my math teacher for the first time. I said, "I have to speak about the test. I can't do it. I'm sorry. Math is not my subject." He said, "Well, you don't need real notes, do you?" I said, "No, I don't." (Liar.)
On Thursday my math teacher acknowledged my presence in his class. He was talking about a problem in German and then suddenly switched into English, and before I knew it, he was yelling at me all this stuff about "the housewife." The housewife. The housewife makes a certain amount of money each year and then it goes up by six percent increase and then you use a special feature on your calculator and find out how much she's making after 24 years... And, what an idiot, I couldn't even think about the problem. I felt really disoriented and started thinking, Where is all this money coming from? Isn't the definition of a housewife that she doesn't have a job? Is there some benefit for housewives in Germany that I don't know about? How awful to be referred to as a "housewife"! I can imagine, perhaps having an etsy shop and a band and some kids and that being awesome, even if I were filling a traditional female role by staying home while my husband made most of the money, but the word housewife just implies soccer and a minivan and pilates and plastic surgery and... ugh. My math teacher stopped lecturing me in English, turned to the class and said (truly), "She doesn't understand anything, she's so stupid."
I am serious. And this, after running into my host family's cleaning woman on the bus and having her say to me that I can't help being bad at math and physics BECAUSE I'M A GIRL. Okay. Now I'm also an unfair sexist stereotype.
The thing about math in Germany is that the pace is so fast, I can't keep up. I mean, I really can't keep up -- I literally cannot figure all the notes in my binder out and remember them before the teacher has moved onto something completely different. At home, I did well in math and enjoyed it, but I had to stay after school every once in a while and get help. And I have to work a little harder in math than the others. It doesn't "come naturally" to me, but I can figure it out, it just takes me a while. And I love figuring out problems, it's really satisfying. I especially enjoyed the little bit of trigonometry we did last year.
It's frustrating to me how impossible it is to get help from teachers, and how little they seem to care about our well-being. I guess my perspective is a little distorted from Casco Bay, where everyone in my humanties class cries on the same day, usually right before the end of the expedition, and Ms. Carter lectures us on "the amazing journey you've made this year" and then she starts crying too and then we all make posters about the changes we want to see in our school and listen to some kid read emotional poetry.
To close, a quote from Lukas Leonhard: "It's Herr Doktor Meyerstein! Hello, Herr Doktor Meyerstein!" And today = second viewing of Twilight with a girl from my French class. The end.
Now, more about SCHOOL. Where should I start? Maybe my FAILING CAREER IN VOLLEYBALL. When I was in elementary school, I cried during almost every gym class, except when we were playing soccer. I was scared going into my class here that I would be yet again constantly on the verge of tears, but that luckily wasn't so. Until now. I find I am that person that nobody wants on their team. My gym teacher pulled me out of the game two weeks ago to try (unsuccessfully) to teach me to hit the ball, then I ended up just standing in the corner. Last week, I ended up in a pair with a girl who is especially good at volleyball, with was awful. I have gone back to feeling unathletic and horrible and humiliated. I have found that when someone throws a ball at me, my first instinct is to run away. My second is to catch it. And I have very slow reflexes. Volleyball is just not for me. I don't even take the tests with the class anymore. I sort of doze off and try to think at things I excel in, and I end up failing, and then I think, "Zoe, when you grow up nobody will care that you're terrible at sports, no one will care, no one will care," but then I think, "Perhaps, but then I'll be old and have to have a job and I won't be living in Portland, and I will probably aquire heart problems from my lack of physical exercise and it will be very, very bad." Other times I think of other people who are bad at sports. All of these people live at home. I don't think anyone in the entire country of Germany dislikes sports. Now I am making generalizations about my host country as well as speaking no language and writing boring blog entries.
On Wednesday I spoke to my math teacher for the first time. I said, "I have to speak about the test. I can't do it. I'm sorry. Math is not my subject." He said, "Well, you don't need real notes, do you?" I said, "No, I don't." (Liar.)
On Thursday my math teacher acknowledged my presence in his class. He was talking about a problem in German and then suddenly switched into English, and before I knew it, he was yelling at me all this stuff about "the housewife." The housewife. The housewife makes a certain amount of money each year and then it goes up by six percent increase and then you use a special feature on your calculator and find out how much she's making after 24 years... And, what an idiot, I couldn't even think about the problem. I felt really disoriented and started thinking, Where is all this money coming from? Isn't the definition of a housewife that she doesn't have a job? Is there some benefit for housewives in Germany that I don't know about? How awful to be referred to as a "housewife"! I can imagine, perhaps having an etsy shop and a band and some kids and that being awesome, even if I were filling a traditional female role by staying home while my husband made most of the money, but the word housewife just implies soccer and a minivan and pilates and plastic surgery and... ugh. My math teacher stopped lecturing me in English, turned to the class and said (truly), "She doesn't understand anything, she's so stupid."
I am serious. And this, after running into my host family's cleaning woman on the bus and having her say to me that I can't help being bad at math and physics BECAUSE I'M A GIRL. Okay. Now I'm also an unfair sexist stereotype.
The thing about math in Germany is that the pace is so fast, I can't keep up. I mean, I really can't keep up -- I literally cannot figure all the notes in my binder out and remember them before the teacher has moved onto something completely different. At home, I did well in math and enjoyed it, but I had to stay after school every once in a while and get help. And I have to work a little harder in math than the others. It doesn't "come naturally" to me, but I can figure it out, it just takes me a while. And I love figuring out problems, it's really satisfying. I especially enjoyed the little bit of trigonometry we did last year.
It's frustrating to me how impossible it is to get help from teachers, and how little they seem to care about our well-being. I guess my perspective is a little distorted from Casco Bay, where everyone in my humanties class cries on the same day, usually right before the end of the expedition, and Ms. Carter lectures us on "the amazing journey you've made this year" and then she starts crying too and then we all make posters about the changes we want to see in our school and listen to some kid read emotional poetry.
To close, a quote from Lukas Leonhard: "It's Herr Doktor Meyerstein! Hello, Herr Doktor Meyerstein!" And today = second viewing of Twilight with a girl from my French class. The end.
Sonntag, Januar 18, 2009
Roasted almond Gugelhupf
It came out very tasty! Plain vanilla cake with apple pieces and roasted almonds on the inside, more almonds and red jam that tastes like Glühwein on the outside!
Samstag, Januar 17, 2009
I feel much better, and later I am going to make a Gugelhupf (a round cake with a hole in the center -- remember, Mom??) and hopefully get over my fear of the kitchen for good!! Plans for ribollita are also in the works.
I realized that my journal entries have become mostly in German. Well, maybe not quite, but maybe half-and-half. There are only certain subjects that I can discuss adaquately in German. Sometimes I feel bad about this, but sometimes it's kind of cool -- sometimes I just think, Wow, I used to not be able to talk about my travel aspirations in German, but now I can.
I realized that my journal entries have become mostly in German. Well, maybe not quite, but maybe half-and-half. There are only certain subjects that I can discuss adaquately in German. Sometimes I feel bad about this, but sometimes it's kind of cool -- sometimes I just think, Wow, I used to not be able to talk about my travel aspirations in German, but now I can.
A gift certificate. I am an idiot.
Adding Complaint Number 516, my Deutsch is absolutely terrible and awful and I am going to come back to the U.S. speaking no German and no French and crappy English. Goodbye, future philosophy studies.
On the upside, I bought two pens on Thursday to replace the one of Katharina's that ran out of ink (and it is a disposable pen.) They are lovely.
Adding Complaint Number 516, my Deutsch is absolutely terrible and awful and I am going to come back to the U.S. speaking no German and no French and crappy English. Goodbye, future philosophy studies.
On the upside, I bought two pens on Thursday to replace the one of Katharina's that ran out of ink (and it is a disposable pen.) They are lovely.
Weekend
Yesterday I had a good day. School was nice, we had the second hour so I got to sleep in 30 minutes, and I went to see "Twilight" at the cinema with Tang. The movie was terrible, the sort of film that prides itself on having a "hot guy" in it and thinks you want to spend two hours looking at close-ups of his face and listening to him engage in unbelievably boring, cliche dialogues. That being said, I understood almost everything. And it was a very large theater with big comfortable seats, and since I had a... a Gutschein! I cannot remember this word in English! It's a thing that you get as a gift and then you don't have to pay, because it's beem paid for you. Well, since I got one for my birthday, I only had to pay €1.30. So I'm glad I went, and it was funny seeing Kristen Stewart, the "Angel from Montgomery" girl, play Bella Swan.
Tang, of course, loved it. She would not stop quoting it afterwards and told me I need to get the main actor's autograph for her when I go back to America! She asked me which guy I thought was "the cutest," and I half-heartedly said "Jasper." Jasper is one of the vampires, pretty much a filler character whose only job is to sit in the corner looking pale and gaunt and surprised. None of the characters were particularly endearing, but they did really look like vampires. I don't really see the appeal in being in love with a vampire.
I did read the book. I know you Twilight fans will probably hate me, but I had some concerns with it. I've thought about writing an essay on this, actually, because it will give me an excuse to read all the books (they are addictive) but also complain cynically about them. I am uncomfortable, first of all, which the amount of control that Edward has over Bella, his girlfriend and the book's protagonist. He decides whether she lives or dies, basically, and throughout the books loses his temper with her (which she responds to by submitting completely, apologizing or insisting, "You're right"), follows her around and spies on her when she is sleeping (which she finds endearing) and attempts to prevent her from seeing her best friend. All of which, well, creep me out. The writing is good enough to make me want to keep reading, and I have fun reading them, but I don't believe these books. I am reading them very much from afar -- when the characters claim that they are really in love, that they will always be together, I don't believe them. Also, the Romeo and Juliet metaphor was boring.
But really, this is to be expected when I read a book that is a vampire romance. Sure, vampires are cool, but I am not so easily charmed by "romances." I am not a romantic. I think the only book that has ever made me say "Awwwww," was Norwegian Wood, a good example of "just a romance" becoming an amazing, touching story that draws you in. I fell in love with Midori while reading this book, and isn't that sort of the purpose of a "novel," that you really believe it and feel what the characters are feeling, no matter how ridiculous that sounds?
In other events, I had a good couple of days. Right now I'm kind of back in my slump. It's brought on by the strangest things -- today, coming across a girl's blog from Iceland (the country that I originally wanted to go to.) I had a moment of "Oh my God, why am I in Germany learning German when I always wanted to go to Iceland and blah blah blah..." Which is ridiculous. Any issues I have are not a result of the country I am in, they're a result of me being immature or unflexible or cynical. It's an issue with me. I am in a really good situation, in a good family, in a mediocre school with kids that seem to like me and teachers that leave me alone. Someday maybe I will like Pforzheim. So then I started feeling very bad that I've started blaming Germany, when anything that bothers me is my fault.
I don't know why, but Flickr's flash uploader is not working. I still have photos backed up since November. I promise I'll get to it, it's just very, very time-consuming since I need to be sitting at my computer to upload them all. I hope to have pictures from Spain on here soon.
Tang, of course, loved it. She would not stop quoting it afterwards and told me I need to get the main actor's autograph for her when I go back to America! She asked me which guy I thought was "the cutest," and I half-heartedly said "Jasper." Jasper is one of the vampires, pretty much a filler character whose only job is to sit in the corner looking pale and gaunt and surprised. None of the characters were particularly endearing, but they did really look like vampires. I don't really see the appeal in being in love with a vampire.
I did read the book. I know you Twilight fans will probably hate me, but I had some concerns with it. I've thought about writing an essay on this, actually, because it will give me an excuse to read all the books (they are addictive) but also complain cynically about them. I am uncomfortable, first of all, which the amount of control that Edward has over Bella, his girlfriend and the book's protagonist. He decides whether she lives or dies, basically, and throughout the books loses his temper with her (which she responds to by submitting completely, apologizing or insisting, "You're right"), follows her around and spies on her when she is sleeping (which she finds endearing) and attempts to prevent her from seeing her best friend. All of which, well, creep me out. The writing is good enough to make me want to keep reading, and I have fun reading them, but I don't believe these books. I am reading them very much from afar -- when the characters claim that they are really in love, that they will always be together, I don't believe them. Also, the Romeo and Juliet metaphor was boring.
But really, this is to be expected when I read a book that is a vampire romance. Sure, vampires are cool, but I am not so easily charmed by "romances." I am not a romantic. I think the only book that has ever made me say "Awwwww," was Norwegian Wood, a good example of "just a romance" becoming an amazing, touching story that draws you in. I fell in love with Midori while reading this book, and isn't that sort of the purpose of a "novel," that you really believe it and feel what the characters are feeling, no matter how ridiculous that sounds?
In other events, I had a good couple of days. Right now I'm kind of back in my slump. It's brought on by the strangest things -- today, coming across a girl's blog from Iceland (the country that I originally wanted to go to.) I had a moment of "Oh my God, why am I in Germany learning German when I always wanted to go to Iceland and blah blah blah..." Which is ridiculous. Any issues I have are not a result of the country I am in, they're a result of me being immature or unflexible or cynical. It's an issue with me. I am in a really good situation, in a good family, in a mediocre school with kids that seem to like me and teachers that leave me alone. Someday maybe I will like Pforzheim. So then I started feeling very bad that I've started blaming Germany, when anything that bothers me is my fault.
I don't know why, but Flickr's flash uploader is not working. I still have photos backed up since November. I promise I'll get to it, it's just very, very time-consuming since I need to be sitting at my computer to upload them all. I hope to have pictures from Spain on here soon.
Donnerstag, Januar 15, 2009
Der neuer Austauschuler
We have a new exchange student in 10am. He name is Alaster and he's only here for the week. He's from Australia, and I appreciate having him around mostly because he is so weird, I look like a normal deutsches Mädchen in comparison. On my first day of school, I sat in the back row and was silent and wanted to disappear, because I was really shy. On his first day of school, he came equipped with four or five books of pictures of Melbourne, dozens of photos of him winter-camping with his family and him and his girlfiend dressed up for a school dance, a DVD, and a CD of his favorite Australia-themed music. He passed them out during English class. Then we all asked him questions. Aline was sitting in front of me with Pauli and she said (in German, obviously) "Is he going to the prom here? Do you think he's going to the prom?" The word for "prom" is "graduation dance", so she raised her hand and asked, "In this photo... did you go to... an Australian ball?" It was really cute. Next, Frau van der Wijst asked him, "How are the schools in Australia different from the schools in Germany?" He talked (slurring his words a lot, so I definitely couldn't understand him) about grading, his school, their partner school in China, and all this stuff, for about five minutes. Frau van der Wijst asked him a couple clarifying questions, which he answered with long, extremely complicated answers. It was so funny!
In Deutsch, when asked if he'd been in another German school up until now, he stood up and talked for five minutes about all the places he's been so far in Germany and Europe. Apparently he's doing some exchange program where he gets to travel everywhere and then spend one week in school and then travel more. I've asked him a couple times to clarify further, but it is so difficult to understand his German! When he learned I was American, he spoke in English to me, but I just answered in German and so I think he got the idea, and we don't speak English anymore.
On Tuesday, Mr. Australia was back. He's constantly either sitting with his head on the table or calling out half-hearted answers. He's a year older than me, and he speaks much better German than I do, and I never do things like that. Even in Physics and math, I pay close attention and write down everything the teacher says (copying, probably incorrectly, from the person next to me.) It drives me crazy. He kept remarking that what we're doing in math is so easy.
Today he randomly went up to nice Lukas Leonhard and said, "You know what most people in Australia think of when they think of Germany? NAZIS." And Lukas sort of looked at the floor and said, "Oh," very sadly. It really bothered me.
In a few minutes I am going to my Deutschkurs, which is ending really soon! I'm glad, because sometimes it's really boring and slow. But I had a good day today. I showed some nice people in my class pictures from home, and they loved them. They told me that Maine is beautiful, the pictures of me when I was little are adorable, my dad looks like a French football player, and my brother "has great style." I came home and successfully reserved movie tickets online. It was really good.
In Deutsch, when asked if he'd been in another German school up until now, he stood up and talked for five minutes about all the places he's been so far in Germany and Europe. Apparently he's doing some exchange program where he gets to travel everywhere and then spend one week in school and then travel more. I've asked him a couple times to clarify further, but it is so difficult to understand his German! When he learned I was American, he spoke in English to me, but I just answered in German and so I think he got the idea, and we don't speak English anymore.
On Tuesday, Mr. Australia was back. He's constantly either sitting with his head on the table or calling out half-hearted answers. He's a year older than me, and he speaks much better German than I do, and I never do things like that. Even in Physics and math, I pay close attention and write down everything the teacher says (copying, probably incorrectly, from the person next to me.) It drives me crazy. He kept remarking that what we're doing in math is so easy
In a few minutes I am going to my Deutschkurs, which is ending really soon! I'm glad, because sometimes it's really boring and slow. But I had a good day today. I showed some nice people in my class pictures from home, and they loved them. They told me that Maine is beautiful, the pictures of me when I was little are adorable, my dad looks like a French football player, and my brother "has great style." I came home and successfully reserved movie tickets online. It was really good.
Mittwoch, Januar 14, 2009
Update
Katie, my aquaintance from the Congress-Bundestag orientation, might be coming to visit me in March! Hoping that works out...
Off to a little TV, then packing my bag, then sleeping.
Off to a little TV, then packing my bag, then sleeping.
You say I've cheapened a love that's deepened with time. Well, is that such an unspeakable crime?
Things are up and down, always. I realized today that I can't remember the last time I watched TV downstairs with my host parents in the evening; I've been spending more and more evenings on the computer for three hours or more. At first that sounds awful, and makes me feel bad, but I also think that I feel more comfortable here, in the house, as demonstrated by the fact that I no longer feel required to watch TV with the family. Today I ate French Fries with a fork and knife. I am trying.
I read a lot of my journal today, the one from February 2008 until October 2008. I wanted to buy a new journal before I left for Germany, but I am unbelievably happy that I decided not to, because I can read my writing from home, remember it wasn't perfect, and also estimate how long six months ago feels. (On the 17th I will have exactly six months left in Germany.) Six months ago there was a huge gap in my journal-writing. All I have to remind myself of what I was doing last July is a post in which I was convinced I had cancer, and a dream that I was in a medical examination room with Mana and my Mom. My mom probably had cancer, and then I went home and there were all these tumor-like lumps in my feet, and they were moving around under the skin, and I got really freaked out. But then I found these skin flaps on the bottom of my feet, and open them up, and inside my feet were little round balls, maybe cereal. And I remembered putting them there for safekeeping.
It's SO WEIRD to think that my time here is almost halfway over. I have accomplished so little! My time here recently has been spent distracting myself from my thoughts with DVDs and chocolate and alt-country music. I love Conor Oberst's new album, despite the "experimental" aspects which I find a little overdone -- the voices, crazy baking vocals, SO MANY "ready now?"s before the songs. I've also been listening (still) to this Jenny Toomey CD that Jason sent me. It's really wonderful, full of witty and surprising lyrics. She's a lovely singer and a couple songs have almost heartbreaking moments, impossible to capture without hearing them.
That's all at the moment. Tomorrow = school and awkwardness. Friday = seeing "Twilight" at the cinema in German. Weekend = computer and lots of journaling and failing at German and more awkwardness.
I need to stop text messaging my parents, because I do it almost every day and I think it might be ruining my life. Or at least the next six months.
And I'm sorry about the overall negative overtone of this blog. I am not feeling good right now. I want to feel good. I pretend that I am, and I spend so much time making lists in my head of all the worse situations I could be in, but I am taking my mom's advice and really accepting how I feel: I do not feel good.
I read a lot of my journal today, the one from February 2008 until October 2008. I wanted to buy a new journal before I left for Germany, but I am unbelievably happy that I decided not to, because I can read my writing from home, remember it wasn't perfect, and also estimate how long six months ago feels. (On the 17th I will have exactly six months left in Germany.) Six months ago there was a huge gap in my journal-writing. All I have to remind myself of what I was doing last July is a post in which I was convinced I had cancer, and a dream that I was in a medical examination room with Mana and my Mom. My mom probably had cancer, and then I went home and there were all these tumor-like lumps in my feet, and they were moving around under the skin, and I got really freaked out. But then I found these skin flaps on the bottom of my feet, and open them up, and inside my feet were little round balls, maybe cereal. And I remembered putting them there for safekeeping.
It's SO WEIRD to think that my time here is almost halfway over. I have accomplished so little! My time here recently has been spent distracting myself from my thoughts with DVDs and chocolate and alt-country music. I love Conor Oberst's new album, despite the "experimental" aspects which I find a little overdone -- the voices, crazy baking vocals, SO MANY "ready now?"s before the songs. I've also been listening (still) to this Jenny Toomey CD that Jason sent me. It's really wonderful, full of witty and surprising lyrics. She's a lovely singer and a couple songs have almost heartbreaking moments, impossible to capture without hearing them.
That's all at the moment. Tomorrow = school and awkwardness. Friday = seeing "Twilight" at the cinema in German. Weekend = computer and lots of journaling and failing at German and more awkwardness.
I need to stop text messaging my parents, because I do it almost every day and I think it might be ruining my life. Or at least the next six months.
And I'm sorry about the overall negative overtone of this blog. I am not feeling good right now. I want to feel good. I pretend that I am, and I spend so much time making lists in my head of all the worse situations I could be in, but I am taking my mom's advice and really accepting how I feel: I do not feel good.
Samstag, Januar 10, 2009
I had a lovely time in Spain; on New Years we ate Raclette and watched many, many horrible 70s music videos on TV.
Today I'm feeling jealous of Katharina, who is having an amazing typically American experience and whose host family says that "their lives have changed because of her." I sometimes feel really tolerated.
I'm frustrated with my German, my piano ability, and my internet connection.
And I am frustrated that I have to go to school every day in God-forsaken Pforzheim when I could be off having adventures on trains, or at least doing a public policy project on abortion or the war in Afghanistan and possibly learning something, and speaking decent French.
And I'm so scared of "discussions" now I can't even bring myself to ask about guitar lessons, let alone possibly traveling/meeting with people.
And my host family thinks I am lazy and unathletic, and I feel really, really bad. I want to be a good exchange student. Today I half-heartedly tried to call someone from my class at school.
So. I don't know. I will post again, hopefully something more uplifting, and possibly some photos if I ever get them all loaded onto my computer.
Today I'm feeling jealous of Katharina, who is having an amazing typically American experience and whose host family says that "their lives have changed because of her." I sometimes feel really tolerated.
I'm frustrated with my German, my piano ability, and my internet connection.
And I am frustrated that I have to go to school every day in God-forsaken Pforzheim when I could be off having adventures on trains, or at least doing a public policy project on abortion or the war in Afghanistan and possibly learning something, and speaking decent French.
And I'm so scared of "discussions" now I can't even bring myself to ask about guitar lessons, let alone possibly traveling/meeting with people.
And my host family thinks I am lazy and unathletic, and I feel really, really bad. I want to be a good exchange student. Today I half-heartedly tried to call someone from my class at school.
So. I don't know. I will post again, hopefully something more uplifting, and possibly some photos if I ever get them all loaded onto my computer.
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